Dreamer by Lissy Elle (lissyelle.com)

One important note on what we’re going to do: it’s about the process, not the product. What I mean is, this exercise of “seeing things through your child’s eyes” does not provide a universally “correct” interpretation of a situation. Everyone is different. Their motivations and actions / reactions will be based on the interplay of their unique personality and life experiences, adult or child, so this analysis isn’t meant to provide an “answer”. The clues discussed may mean different things for different people.

This exercise is about looking at the process of gathering the clues the child is leaving, digging into them and developing a hypothesis about what the mom might do to help support her child and their relationship, and to take that understanding into their next interaction. And then doing it all again – gathering clues from that next interaction, thinking on them, further developing understanding – round and round.

So, let’s go through an example together. I’ll pick a hypothetical story from my book, Free to Learn:

It’s a beautiful fall day and you are looking forward to going for a walk. Jeremy quickly pulls on his running shoes, dashes out the door, and shouts, “Come on, Mom!” Your smile falters as you notice his sweater still hanging on the hook, remembering the talk you gave him just yesterday about wearing it when he goes out in this cooler weather. As you walk through the door you say firmly, “Jeremy, get back here and put on your sweater!” A beat passes and you add, “NOW!” Running back he protests that he’s not cold, but you insist. He does as he’s told but his excitement has waned and the joyful stroll you envisioned has morphed into a determined march around the block accompanied by repeated moans about the sweater, and you both head back inside.

Why is this an interaction that would inspire the mom to dig into and learn from? Because they were both unhappy with the result: Neither of them enjoyed the walk in the end.

In fact, even if only one party is unhappy with the outcome of a situation, it’s worth some time to examine. Building a trusting relationship means taking both the time to try to understand the other person deeply enough to anticipate their unhappiness, and the time to work together to try to find a path forward that those involved are comfortable with.

First, let’s take a look from the Mom’s perspective. What clues do we have that point to the thoughts and motivations behind her actions?

• She wants to enjoy a walk outside: It’s a beautiful fall day and she’s expecting Jeremy will enjoy going for a walk with her (she’s smiling at the thought, and he’s happily calling to her get the activity started).

• She is adamant that Jeremy wear a sweater outside: Not only does she ask him to wear a sweater, she’s insistent, not only when they leave the house, but also throughout the walk.

From her perspective, I imagine it seems like a reasonable request (or she wouldn’t be so insistent). It’s cold outside, and she likely feels more comfortable in a sweater so it makes sense to her that Jeremy will too. She probably extrapolates the colder weather into imagining Jeremy sick with a cold and the challenges that can pose, so she wants to take any reasonable actions she can to prevent that outcome. Besides, wearing a sweater does not impede Jeremy’s physical movements on the walk at all so she probably doesn’t see an issue at all. She might well think that, as his parent, Jeremy should trust her implicitly. He should know her actions are motivated by love, whether or not he understands her motivation for insisting he wear a sweater. She likely wants him to learn that “cold outside temperatures means wear warmer clothes”. And maybe she feels that changing her mind once the activity started will show “weakness” and encourage Jeremy to argue with her in the future.

It’s all rather understandable, from her point-of-view.

But now let’s look at the interaction from Jeremy’s perspective and find clues that might point to how he interprets the situation.

• Jeremy wants to enjoy a walk outside: You can tell he’s excited about the activity because he gets ready and out the door quickly, and calls for mom to join him.

• Jeremy does not want to wear a sweater: He leaves the house without it, he hesitates to return when asked, and he complains about it throughout the walk.

So, from Jeremy’s perspective, looking at the situation through his eyes, what might these clues tell us?

We know he’s happy at the thought of spending time with his mom, of walking around the block. Once she insists he wear a sweater though, his mood changes. His actions suggest that he’s likely just as sure as she is that the opposite is true: He’ll be uncomfortably hot wearing the sweater during the walk. If he wasn’t quite sure, he probably wouldn’t be so insistent. He’d grab the sweater and be on his way. His insistence means it’s an important point to him. Maybe it’s another clue in a larger pattern of ongoing power struggles between them, pointing to bigger issues. Or maybe he’s frustrated his mom hasn’t realized he’s always feeling hot. In that instance, he probably feels like his mom is ignoring his real needs and doesn’t trust him to take care of himself. That she’s spouting rules without taking the time to consider his perspective. Another example, to him, that she doesn’t really care about him.

Looking through Jeremy’s eyes, his thoughts and reactions are understandable as well!
So, after you have analyzed the situation, picked out the clues, and hypothesized how your child probably interpreted the situation, ask yourself, “Is that what you wanted him or her to learn from the situation?”

It’s so easy for the parent to think they are “teaching” one thing, while the child is learning something completely different. Taking the time to look at a situation through the child’s eyes gives us a chance to not only better understand our child, but to also understand how they are interpreting the messages we are sending them through our actions.

Are the messages we want to send and the messages they seem to receive, different? If so, it’s time to figure out why and start trying to communicate, i.e. act, in ways that better deliver the message we intend.

So, in this hypothetical situation, how might Jeremy’s mom take this new understanding and better communicate next time? Once she realizes, through her son’s resistance to wearing a sweater, that this is important to him, even if she doesn’t understand why, she can show her trust by dropping her own insistence. The power struggle is avoided and the situation is no longer about their relationship (who can insist longer, who has the power to control whom) and more about the son’s real physical needs–and that’s what the mom likely wanted him to learn about in the first place, how to take care of his physical needs.

And to support him even further in that learning, she can bring the sweater along. That gives him the opportunity to choose to put it on during the walk if he gets uncomfortably cold. Knowing the sweater is available, he is continuously choosing whether or not to put it on during their walk. He gains experience and learns more about what his mom is wanting him to learn–how to take care of his physical needs.

The result? They are both physically comfortable and enjoy the walk, adding another happy and connecting experience that strengthens their relationship and builds their trust in one another.

Taking the time to see things through your child’s eyes is not about giving up your perspective, or judging the child’s perspective right or wrong. It’s about understanding your children better, improving your communication with them, and building a more strongly connected and trusting relationship.

Take that time–it’s worth it!

What are some of the questions that are typically pondered when people begin to explore unschooling? There are some questions I’m asked over and over by people who are interested in our educational choices. Assuming the questioner is sincere, here are some of the short answers I’ve given to start them thinking along unschooling lines.

Why short answers? Because in my experience, long answers usually go too deeply into the topic and cause listener to tune out and/or forget the question they started with. If they are still curious and want to learn more, they will ask more questions!

Question 1: How will they learn if you don’t teach them?

Answer: They enjoy figuring things out and I certainly help them with any questions they have.

What unschooling ideas does that answer imply? That learning is fun; that people like to understand things; and that the parents are supportive i.e. the kids aren’t left alone to sink or swim.

Question 2: How will they learn what they need to know if you don’t follow a curriculum?

Answer: Well, curricula just try to lay out skills and knowledge they think a typical person would need to live when they graduate into the real world. We just flip that around: we live in the real world now and the kids pick up those skills and that knowledge along the way.

This answer could spark thoughts in so many directions: the purpose of curricula, and schooling, for that matter; the idea that learning is separate from the real world; the question of whether curricula might include things that the person might never need to know, and vice versa, might a person need to know something that wasn’t in the curricula; whether one-size fits all curricula are a useful answer to the diversity of lives students will be living, and more.

Question 3: If they aren’t in a school with other kids, how will they learn how to get along with others?

Answer: They meet lots of people, over a wide range of ages. Instead of gathering in school based on their age, they meet up with others around their interests, in person and online. Girl guides, karate, message boards, family.

Questions this might spark: What does socialization really mean? Is the age-controlled school environment really a decent preparation for getting along with the range of ages found in the real world? Is meeting over shared interests more apt to grow meaningful friendships rather than being the same age and living in the same geographical area? Are online friendships also meaningful?

Question 4: If you don’t test, how do you know they’re learning?

Answer: I don’t have a classroom full of kids and I’m hanging out with them much of the time. I see them using new skills as we go about our day, we have conversations and I hear them using new words and sharing new ideas, and I see where their learning is taking them as I help them dive into their interests.

This might encourage the questioner to think about things like the purpose of testing; whether testing is a function of class size; how one observes learning; and if testing is the only way to judge learning.

The Deschooling Process

For the parents, deschooling is the process of digging deeply into your beliefs about education, about learning, about living with children. It’s about exploring those beliefs–pulling them, pushing them, flipping them on their head–and seeing what you really think.

Learning about unschooling isn’t like learning in school. It’s not “learn this, do that, and move on.” It isn’t a one-time endeavour, it’s a process. You’ll likely read and research and reach some sort of understanding you’re comfortable with. Then, as you spend time with your children, being with them from your new perspective, you’ll see those ideas in action, blossoming in your interactions with your children, deepening your understanding of unschooling. Wonderful! But don’t be complacent. Chances are, if you take some time to dig deeper you’ll have another aha moment. And another. Just like you’d learn about other interests. The more you know, the more connections to related things you’ll discover, and the more you know. It’s a wonderful circle of living and learning.

And it doesn’t stop: living and unschooling with your children continues to be a process. Even as you gain a deep understanding of unschooling, your children will grow and change, and your thoughts, ideas, and way of interacting with them need to keep up. And as they get older, new situations can trigger pockets of beliefs you hold that have yet to be examined.

As a bonus, the open and questioning way of thinking that allows people to wrap their head around the concept of unschooling, gives one a frame of mind that is so helpful for processing anything that life brings.

You can read some more about deschooling on my website:

http://livingjoyfully.ca/unschooling/getting_started/what_is_deschooling.htm

If you’re new to unschooling and are still curious after these short answers, feel free to ask more questions in the comments!

You can find out all sorts of more formal stuff about me and my online presence on the About page. I don’t want to rehash that in my welcome post, so here I’ll share some more personal and fun tidbits about being Pam.

fun family portrait while on vacation in Grand Cayman, Oct 2011

A common thread throughout my life has been computers. My Dad worked with them in the 60s and we had one at home from my early teens, using handset modems to dial in and play text adventure games. My first computer accompanied me through five years of university in the 80s as I got my dual degree in engineering physics and commerce (B. Eng. & Mgmt.). Having specialized in nuclear engineering, my first job was at the local nuclear power plant where I worked in maintenance engineering (not at a clean desk in the admin building, that more hands-off stuff never interested me) and earned my P. Eng designation, though I quickly gravitated to data collection and reporting. Then to the IT department where I wrote various client/server programs, designed well-received data tracking systems and reports, and then dove into data warehousing, supervising a pretty big DW project before I left to focus on what I felt was my most important job: mother to my now three kids.

Over the last 10 years or so at home I’ve continued to learn and program because it draws and excites me, from VBScript to html to php. Yesterday I was giddily telling my hubby about coding proportionally in css for my ebook formatting, and how it allows the reader’s unique e-reader settings to shine through without messing up how my ebook looks. Yeah, his eyes glazed over about halfway through that sentence too. LOL!

Now that my geek has peeked through the window, let’s throw open the curtains! What else do you probably not know … hmm.

Growing up my passion was ballet. For 12 or so years I could be found at my favourite ballet studio most nights of the week and the spring season would find our close-knit performance group busily rehearsing and performing. Some highlights of my amateur career included two weeks at a summer dance camp in New York (I think I was 12), the year we spent living in Sarnia, Ontario when my Mom drove me into London three nights a week for classes (snowstorms and singing LOTS of Billy Joel), being given a couple solos in the performace group (including the Doll Dance on pointe, adapted from The Nutcracker), and at 16/17 driving myself into Toronto three nights a week to take classes at the Lois Smith Dance School at George Brown College. At the end of that year I thought long and hard and, in the end, decided not to pursue a professional dance career. But I would never trade my years immersed in dance for anything! I learned so much about myself and how I tick, and I kept happily busy doing something I loved. Way cool.

I did branch out a bit and spend a couple summers involved with car racing alongside my then-boyfriend’s family. I volunteered and worked registration and pit crew at Mosport, and one summer they let me race their car! Shannonville, not Mosport, and only until said boyfriend crashed and put the souped-up VW out of commission for the rest of the season, but it was all very exciting and interesting. I still remember and use much of the driving knowledge I gathered during that time.

And last, but never least, I LOVE learning. It’s important to me to understand things for myself. I don’t take things I’m told at face value, I need for them to make sense in my world, in my experience. A quote that has guided me since I first read it at age 14: “Whenever you find yourself facing an apparent contradiction, check your premises. You will find that one of them is wrong.” (Francisco D’Anconia, Altas Shrugged) When something doesn’t make sense to me, I try to remember to check my premises. I constrast what I’ve been told against what I’ve experienced, and what I’ve seen firsthand, especially with my children. This was the perspective from which I began to question mainstream parenting and education. And it’s been an amazing ride ever since!