In my experience, a trusting relationship with my children is the backbone of our unschooling lives. And that trust goes both ways: my trust in them, and their trust in me.
It is so important because with trust, real communication can flow.
Our children can ask us questions, can share their thoughts and ideas, trusting they won’t feel belittled. We can share our thoughts and experiences, trusting our children will consider them thoughtfully, knowing we aren’t trying to manipulate them somehow. We trust that when they need help, they will ask for it.
Developing this deep level of trust doesn’t happen overnight—it is built over time and through experience. Let’s talk about some of the ways we can work to build relationships steeped in trust.
Our children’s trust in us
Your children don’t trust you just because you are their parent; they trust you because you have shown them that you are worthy of their trust.
How do we cultivate our children’s trust in us?
- By being responsive: consistently available when they need your help and support.
- By being loving: showing your love consistently in words and actions.
- By being trustworthy: helping them get their needs met; instead of trying to cajole or control them into meeting your goals.
And it takes as long as it takes. Someone else’s trust in us is not something we have any control over. We can control our actions and reactions. The more consistent they are, the more our children will trust that that consistency will continue into the future.
Trust in our children
Again, this develops over time and with experience.
How can we develop trust in our children?
- By getting to know them: understanding their personality, motivations, and goals.
- By being open and approachable: inviting our children to come to us when they want our help.
- By giving them space: seeing their choices and how things play out as they explore and learn.
All these experiences help us better understand our children and their lives. We discover the threads that run though their actions, the things that make them uniquely themselves. We see the consistency in their actions that allows us to be more trusting and comfortable with the future.
The beauty of unschooling is that its not just a style of learning, it’s a style of living. All these experiences interweave such that our trust in each other builds along side our trust in the process of unschooling. We gain experience in living together.
I also want to point out one thing: don’t equate trusting your children with leaving them on their own. Those are different things. You can trust your children, yet they can still need you around to help out: you have more experience to add to the moment. You can help make experiences richer. If you take that trust to mean you are no longer needed, you will be less involved in their lives, your connection with them will probably begin to fade, and with it, the strong and trusting relationship you’ve built.
So treat it with care. 🙂
... an online resource for parents wanting to live joyfully with their children through unschooling. If you're passionate about exploring the world with your children, this site is for you. I'm Pam Laricchia, the author and owner of this site. Thanks for inviting me along on your unschooling journey!
Cal Bailes (Ms) says
May 27, 2014 at 1:05 pmThis post is so true and very good “advice” for others on or thinking about beginning this “journey”.
It is VERY important to trust the unschooling process completely and have total faith in your children’s abilities and that they will know their own capabilities etc. It is so very easy to lose confidence when others are negative about unschooling and make groundless comments usually involving your child’s failure in the future if they don’t go to school or are not “made” to learn. I endured such comments for years, including from people whose own children were utterly miserable in school, not making any progress and developing what were obviously school/fear-based behavioural problems. I was even told (prompted no doubt by their love of nature and small creatures, flowers, butterflies etc.) that they were too girly and they would be gay if they weren’t sent to school, my reply being “Well, even if they are gay they will still be happy and confident!” (They aren’t, by the way; and was that person saying no-one who ever went to school is gay?!)
How can people look at obviously happy, bright, enthusiastic, interested young people who are self educating, and believe that school and formal learning is actually best? I find it all sad. It is tempting for so many people to send their kids to school after a while because they believe they will need to do exams at a specific age otherwise they won’t get a good job etc etc. Let me tell you there were times when I did question whether complete and total deschooling was right, usually following encounters with such nay-sayers! However, years later I am vindicated and my sons’ freedom as children justified.
I like the point about not equating trusting your children with leaving them on their own. I have also heard this called “benign neglect”. There is no such thing. Children, even free children who are learning in a self directed way, need a responsible adult around. We met so many people who equated autonomy with allowing their children to literally do whatever they liked, this usually involved disrespecting other people and their homes. The parents did not seem to realise it was a cry for attention, or “acting out” some issue the child had which they were too immature to know how to explain. The number of times I asked a parent to please stop their child from trashing my son’s bedroom or throwing stuff around in the lounge, only to be told “but he is only expressing himself!” as if this were proof they were succeeding as parents of free children. Genuinely free children who grow up with love, trust and respect, have no need to force their parents to take notice of them and don’t feel the need to be destructive.
balqis says
June 4, 2014 at 10:12 amBy giving them space: seeing their choices and how things play out as they explore and learn.
It’s a best words to read. Sometimes, i forget this. I do not give credence to the child to be more developed. On the other hand there is the ugliness of the gesture. Children grow up with a greater dependence on parents.