In this episode, Pam, Anna, and Erika explore bringing a playful energy to our days. Shifting to a playful energy can be helpful when we’re feeling stuck, with spinning thoughts, worrying about the future, or focused on external expectations. We can cultivate a lightness and curiosity that helps us get creative and come up with many possibilities to help us face the situations in front of us. Play is also the natural way that children process their lives. So, bringing a playful energy into our days can help us connect with our kids, as well!
We hope you find our conversation helpful on your unschooling journey and in your relationships!
THINGS WE MENTION IN THIS EPISODE
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So much of what we talk about on this podcast and in the Living Joyfully Network isn’t actually about unschooling. It’s about life. On The Living Joyfully Podcast, Anna Brown and Pam Laricchia talk about life, relationships, and parenting. You can check out the archive here, or find it in your your favorite podcast player.
EPISODE TRANSCRIPT
ANNA: Hello, everyone! I am Anna Brown from Living Joyfully, and today I’m joined by my co-hosts, Pam Laricchia and Erika Ellis. Hello!
PAM AND ERIKA: Hi!
ANNA: Before we get started, I wanted to encourage you to check out our shop, where you can find books, courses, coaching, and information about the Living Joyfully Network. The shop has resources and support for every stage of your journey, and you can find a link in the show notes, or you can visit livingjoyfullyshop.com.
Today we’re going to be talking about bringing a playful energy to our days, and I don’t know, I think this is going to be a lot of fun. So, Erika, do you want to get us started?
ERIKA: I do! And Happy New Year to everyone! Yes. I just love this time of year and how it can really inspire me to bring a bit more intention into my daily routine. I really feel like this idea, bringing a playful energy to our days, could be such a fun intention to explore. And, Pam, you’ve certainly encouraged me through this podcast over the years to play with ideas and to play with possibilities. And getting open and curious often feels like being playful.
And so, I did want to start out just by reminding us all that people are different, and one person’s definition of bringing a playful energy to our days is going to look different from another. And so, pretend play, being silly, exploring characters, getting right in there with our little kids in their imaginary worlds can come really easily to some parents and it’s not easy for others. And that’s okay, because we’re not talking about one right way or one definition of being playful. And so, I’m excited to see how many different areas we’ll end up talking about today.
But for me, bringing a playful energy means really lightening up my own energy about something. So, when I get bogged down by outside expectations or by fears about the future or anything like that, I can get into that tunnel vision mode, which is the opposite of having a playful energy. And so, when I start thinking about all the things that have to happen or what should be happening or what I have to do and what the kids should be doing, that’s just not a light place to be. And so, being open and curious, remembering that there’s not one right way for things to happen, bringing a more playful approach to my days just lightens me up and I can see more possibilities. I can connect more easily with the people around me. I can think, huh, I wonder what’s going to happen next. Or, I wonder what we could do here. Let’s just try something. And that is this light energy that can help me move forward.
Whereas the heavy energy of, we have to do this and I have to figure out the right way to do this, feels like it’s weighing me down and honestly can make me super grumpy. And that’s not even to mention how bringing playfulness into our days can help make things so much smoother and more fun for our kids.
PAM: I am really excited to talk about this. And I think that was one of the things that really brought this top of mind for me, having talked about it for years now, because I found it so helpful for shifting my energy and my perspective and bringing me into the moment. When I’m future-focused and trying to figure all the things out, it just brought me back to my kids.
And then from there, I learned how helpful it was even for me when I’m trying to process and move through my own things because, for me, the shift from having to figure everything out, I just get so very tunneled vision to try and find that one right answer, even if I’m not telling myself there’s one right answer for all humanity. Even trying to find one right answer that works for me can be very tunneling. I’m just so quickly throwing things out. Nope, nope, not that, not that, not that boom, boom, boom. Whereas when I can shift to that playfulness, I can be more open and curious about the thing.
Everything doesn’t look like a no to me. It’s like, oh, I wonder? Or, what if? Or, how might that unfold? I hadn’t even thought of that! And that playfulness, too, lets me bring more things to my kids, to my partner. It’s like looking for a little bit more input and then I start sharing a little bit more, and then it doesn’t look as dire as it originally was for myself.
And, like you said, alongside all the cool things that playfully engaging with my kids brings. That’s a whole other part of this conversation, but we’ll start with how it feels for us.
ANNA: Yeah. That’s definitely where I want to start. I do want to acknowledge what Erika said, too, about people are different. Pretend play did not come easy for me. So, I do think when people hear this, they’re like, but what if I’m not that playful person that looks like X? I think we will talk about that a little bit.
But really what I’m more interested in and what resonated for me about this topic was exactly what we’re talking about, how to shift our energy. And for me, I remember just trying to be mindful about if it felt like a difficult day, it felt like something, it’s that quick check-in with my body, like, whoa, I’m feeling a lot of weight. I feel a lot of heaviness. Something’s happening. And then I can just go, wait a minute, where’s that coming from? Look outside a little bit. And then bring in that playful energy.
And I think our kids lead the way. I think if we turn to them, they’re most likely laughing or playing or doing something or enjoying something or can easily be tickled if we just bring in some fun energy, especially with little kids.
And so, I think for me it was more just watching my energy, because I felt like my energy really impacted the whole house. And so, if I was carrying a lot of weight about something and maybe it was even unrelated to the kids, it was still helpful for me to check in with that and go, whoa, that thing is impacting the way I’m interacting with the people in my life. So, I would like to either set that aside so I can have some special time to think about it or address it. But then how do I lean back into the joy of having little kids?
And I think we get tied up in, there’s a lot of work feeding people and doing all the things. We can get weighed down by that, but it’s pretty amazing when you look at these little beings that are telling us all kinds of things, hopping around the house, so excited about the tiniest things, discovering things for the first time. That really helped me get to that playful energy was just watching their wonder and excitement about things and then recognizing, okay, that’s a choice I can make. And so, that really would shift things for me.
ERIKA: Yeah, I love that. Kids are typically masters of play when they’re young. And so, it really can be so inspiring to see how they’re able to figure out a playful, fun way to do basically anything. And I like the idea that if we’re talking about bringing a playful energy to our days, it doesn’t mean now our days are just a hundred percent fun. It’s not that we have to turn everything into fun. But maybe starting to notice, what are the things that come up in a typical day for me where I start to close in and get stressed out. What are my triggers?
And so, for me, it could be trying to get somewhere at a certain time. I feel this sense of panic, and I’m sure that comes from childhood and having to be in certain places at certain times. But if I think about my life now, if I can logically walk myself through it, these are not emergency situations 99 times out of a hundred. And so, it really is my own trigger, based not on something that’s happening in this moment, but just based on fear from the past. And so, I think those are moments, if I can identify the triggering things for me, those are the best spots to start playing around with it.
What about when that’s starting to happen, I’m going to try to bring in a more playful energy about it? And reminding myself there’s plenty of time and all those soothing mantras. There is space to give this a little bit of room and to be more playful and curious about what could happen.
And so, as adults with a lot of background and baggage that we’re carrying with us to this point, there are a lot of these little triggers through the day. And it could be things like mess. It could be being too tired. It could be cooking. That’s a big one for me. Like, what am I going to serve everyone? And it can bring up panic. And so, those are the spots where I especially want to start thinking about, how could I be a little bit more playful in this area?
PAM: I love the idea of starting with triggers, because it’s like, okay, I’m going to be more playful. Where do you start with that? But where things rub or where things are triggered, those are great places to start. And I remember, for me, I usually start with some internal processing and figuring it out myself before I start trying to bring it to other people. Because I can’t really quite explain it yet or I don’t understand it. Like you were saying, so much of it is tools or reactions or things that we’ve built over the years to survive in various environments that we were in.
Like you mentioned, when we were growing up, if getting out the door was something that was a stress on the family, I just internalized that and have that with me. But to take a little bit of time to say, oh, the environment we have now is different than the environment then. We are different people. I can understand those feelings and that reaction, but is that something that’s serving me now? And that’s where I can start.
Now I can bring that more playful approach to thinking about other possibilities. And when I’m in a space where I understand enough that I’m open to possibilities, that’s a great time for me to start bringing it to others, because now I can actually hear it. I’m less putting it through that filter that I was owning and holding so tightly and more open to other possibilities.
And so many times, having these conversations with my kids, even when they were younger, gave me so many new ideas. We talk so much about how capable kids are at all ages. Even if it seems like something that would never work, oh my gosh, just sitting with their idea for a second can make another connection and another connection. It’s like, oh yeah, maybe it’s the energy that came with their idea. We don’t have to take everything absolutely literally, but just to pull it all together.
That’s why I love the brainstorming mindset, open and curious, see what happens. It doesn’t literally need to be something that comes up in that conversation, but those ideas connect to something else and something else and something else, and then we can see a new solution. And, for me, playfulness also means trying something and seeing what happens and then tweaking and trying something.
When I say play with it or when I remind myself to play with, it’s not like, okay, I’m going to play with the ideas until I get that one right thing that seems like it’ll be perfect, and then I’m going to do that thing. And then if it doesn’t work perfectly, I’ve failed. That whole process failed. But no, if I can think of the process as something playful, it’s like, oh, that seems pretty cool. Let’s try that. See what happens. Then you’re learning another little piece about some aspect or constraint of the challenge and then tweak it a little bit more and tweak it a little bit more.
People are different and people are always changing. You’re not going to get like one right answer that’s going to be playful and fun and then we’re going to move on to something else with our lives. Now this is our life and this is how things are unfolding. So,bringing that playful energy to it helps me not put so many expectations on myself and all the people around me, right?
ANNA: Yeah, and I think I love starting with triggers. And I think starting with where things are rubbing. A big one for a lot of people are transitions. And what’s interesting about that, if you have a child that struggles with transitions, it can weigh on you, right? You’re going to the event, the playground, whatever it is, and you’re thinking, this is great and then we’re going to have this terrible transition. And that’s that piece I was talking about before. Watch when you’re carrying weight like that, because you’re creating the story before it’s even started.
And that doesn’t mean that you can click a switch and transitions are easy, but it opens us up to find different ways and to try different things. And it’s going to be different every time. But it can be literally playful, like piggyback rides to the car or we would do a race to tree or we’d find these fun things to move towards. Moving towards something versus, we have to leave this thing you’re loving so much and do nothing, which is kind of how it feels in their mind. But it’s like, okay, let’s move towards something that’s fun.
But I think we get that playful creativity when we’re not carrying the weight of, this is going to be hard. This is so terrible. We’re so bad at this. You can just feel yourself shrinking in on, we’re going to make a scene and people are going to be worried about it, or whatever’s going to happen. And I think I talked about this somewhere recently, but just when we are calm in that space and bringing that lightness to it, even if our child is struggling in that moment, people are just calmed by that. They’re like, oh, you’ve got this. Yes, we’re a little bit upset about this transition, but you are still there engaging with your child. You are still there finding ways to move through it.
So, it’s literal play sometimes, but it is that playing with, I’m going to try this this time. Okay, that didn’t work. We’re going to try this next time. But not putting a lot of weight on each of those decisions either, not putting weight on, this has to be the thing that works. Or when we find something that works, it has to work forever. It just doesn’t work that way.
And so, I think it’s probably a culturally ingrained idea that we’re going to find the right answer and it’s going to work forever. That really limits us when we’re working with other people, because humans are different and challenging and have different things that mean things to them and different things they want to do, different ways they want to move through the world. So, I just love that check on my energy of, what am I bringing to this maybe historical, challenging bit of our life?
ERIKA: If you have a feeling of dread about certain things that happen in your life, those may also be good spots to look at or, or times when your child is always upset or that you’re always having conflict about a certain area.
And I love the idea that play means, let’s try something different this time. And when you go into that, let’s try something different this time with a playful energy. Then you’re not attached to the outcome of that thing. And so, that’s where you’re able to really just brainstorm, try something that you would’ve never tried before, and then see what happens.
And so I think, as we are getting to know these people, our children who are growing and changing, we’re always learning more about who they are. We’re always growing ourselves and learning about who we are and just getting more information. And so, it makes sense that we are not going to know from the beginning how all of these things are going to play out.
Having that playful energy about the conflicts, about the rubs that we find along the way, I think just helps so much. And I’m thinking it’s from the little things like leaving the park with young kids and they don’t want to leave yet. It’s so hard to validate if I’m stuck in my head telling a terrible story about how awful this is, and I knew this was going to happen, and here we go again and like all those kind of feelings.
But if I can be playful about, you know, what’s coming next and get myself into the place of validating them, it can go so much more smoothly than if I shut down on my side and they have a hard time on their side.
But then also I was thinking of harder things like, you know, when our teens are having really dark thoughts and really a difficult time. How can I bring play into those moments that are just like tearing my heart out? But it’s true that lightening up my energy is still going to be a better choice in those moments. And it’s not easy to hear your children say things that are really upsetting or that they’re having a very difficult time. But trying to move myself away from the future fear, tunnel vision, that sense of dread and to trust, what’s going to happen next? There are so many possibilities. Let’s try something new. That more playful place is going to help in all kinds of circumstances.
ANNA: Yeah. I’m going to just jump on that teen piece real quick because I think it is so important. And what I’ve noticed, and this can even be with the younger kids, but especially with teens, when they bring us something heavy or that feels really big to them, and whatever the thing is might be really big, they are looking to us to see, is this going to break us? Are we going to say, whew, we’re throwing up our hands. This is too much. Or are we going to stand there with that confidence and knowing and trust and leaning in? Because they’re testing the waters. This thing’s feeling really big. And what is it going to do to this person that I love, who I trust and who tends to lead me through these things in the past?
And so, I think that is so important to check our energy in those situations. And if we need support outside of that dyad with our teen, then that’s great. Get the support, because whoa, they shared some heavy things and that was hard. We can get validation and support ourselves, but when we can be just much more clear and open with our energy.
And I’m substituting creative energy with playful in some situations. So, in some situations maybe it’s more just like a lighter creative energy with that trust built in that you were talking about. And so, sometimes, again, we’re literally talking about play and making it fun and laughing and doing, and sometimes it just is bringing that lighter, creative, even more problem solving kind of energy, which still has this playful aspect to it.
PAM: Yeah, that is what came up for me, too. It’s like, oh, maybe we should just revisit the idea of playful for a moment. Because as we’ve been talking about it as this lighter energy, more open and curious doesn’t necessarily, and certainly not always mean jokey and fun in the typical sense of, oh, that’s hard. Let’s go play a game. That’s not what we’re meaning when we talk about playful energy.
But playful really works for me as a term for bringing that lighter, creative, open and curious kind of energy to a moment. And then it means I’m open to seeing and feeling what the other person in that interaction is feeling and going through, to help get a sense of what direction might be helpful, but yes. That grounded energy in more challenging times is so helpful for us and for the other person, especially a teen. Like, yes, I see you. This is hard and we can do it. We can do it. That energy is just so helpful when somebody is just feeling hopeless or just like, I can’t see a path forward.
And we don’t need to have the answer or the path to have that grounded and curious energy when we’re interacting with them or even when we’re thinking about it. Because if we don’t, we get caught again in that tunnel vision. Oh my gosh. We need to solve this as soon as possible. Or terrible things are going to happen. But yeah, bringing that openness to it, that curiosity, but that grounded, solid, playful, compassionate, all those terms, it’s so much more helpful than getting caught up in the swirl of things.
ANNA: Yeah. Before we go, I’m going to just bring us around to, just again, playfulness, right? And lighten it up just a little bit, because I think sometimes with kids, we get in the adult mindset of, I just tell you what to do and you’re going to do it. Go brush your teeth, it’s time to brush your teeth. Or, do this. We’re getting in this check the box mode or whatever our personality is. And it really can be fun to bring in actual play, especially for younger kids. So again, this is looking at those rub areas to think, what can I do to make this fun?
And it’s tickle monster or silly toothbrush or the airplane things or the whatever. There are so many fun ways to connect and move through the world, and I think our kids really give us that little check when we’re getting too serious, because they can put on the brakes if we are getting too serious. You see them dig in. And so, it’s just a reminder that that doesn’t mean we have to double down and push harder and try to really force. It can be a little wake up call of like, hey, why are we not bringing a lighter energy to this? Why are we bringing this weight? So, I just wanted to bring it around for little kids too, because the teens are important, absolutely. And so are the little kids, that playful piece.
ERIKA: Right. And I just remember so many times where what it will feel like from my perspective is like I’m getting stuck in my head with what we have to do next and trying to move us towards what we have to do next or thinking about something I have to do. And that’s pulling me out of the moment. And I could notice myself not being able to listen to them quite as much and I’m not quite paying attention to what they’re doing and what they’re saying. And so, being playful allows me to notice that too much thinking is going on. I’m looking back at them, and then once I start interacting with them, that’s how all the transitions got easier.
Transitions are hard when I can’t hear anything they’re saying. We’re doing this, we’re doing this. Let’s keep moving. Like, what you’re doing isn’t important. We just have to keep moving. That’s when my transitions would really go off the rails. But if I could be engaged with what they’re doing, talking to them about it, interacting, asking about the characters, asking about what they’re doing, really getting into what they’re focusing on, then we could get out the door, because they’re happily talking to me about the things that they’re interested in and wanting to do. And so, it really is for me the tool of stopping the spinning thoughts in my own head and bringing myself back into the present moment with the kids who are basically always in the present moment.
And so, that’s really great. I could just look at them and that’s the present moment. And so, I just had so much fun playing around with what could be difficult transitions, but now it really is just fun, like, okay, we’re all exploring this topic or we’re all talking about this funny thing, or whatever it is, playing a game on the way out the door.
PAM: I’m playfully coming up with that. I love the transition example, because that is just a huge piece. And the learning and remembering to go to them and engage. We are part of it. It’s not us trying to manage their transition. We are all transitioning out the door or to a different activity or to people showing up, just a change of circumstance.
And it was just a world of difference to recognize and to be like, oh, okay. I’ll actually come in and join you where you are and engage, whether it’s, like you were mentioning Erika, starting up a conversation that we can continue as we move on. Or maybe it’s like really engaging with them and understanding, sharing in whatever joy they’ve been getting from whatever activities they’re doing as you’re helping them close it down or get to a spot where they feel comfortable stopping. And doing it playfully with intention and full choice rather than, oh, this is another thing on my plate that I need to do to get us there. No, this is life. We’re changing activities.
So, just being there with them. And Anna, that reminder about literal play, whether it’s brushing teeth or whatever it is. There’s a Pokemon app for teeth. There are just so many fun ways to really figure out like what is that’s a bit of the challenge. It can also be the transition, too, having to brush your teeth, just all those pieces are pieces we can play with and just try things out. For me, that was the biggest thing. Just try a little something out. And see how it goes. And there we’re playing with it.
ERIKA: And just allowing ourselves as adults to actually play the things, too. To play Roblox, play Minecraft, play with the toys, check out the things, see what lights up that inner child in ourselves. I feel like those practices, too, just make our lives more fun and help our kids see the fun in us, which, I think, really helps our relationships too.
ANNA: Yeah, that’s what I was going to say. Just to wrap it all up, I love how what is weaving into this conversation is the connection we talk about so much and learning about one another. Because when we’re slowing down and connecting and figuring out what the rubs are and finding playful solutions, we’re learning about each other. We’re learning about ourselves, we’re learning about our kids, and that’s what we always talk about. So, I love that. It just weaves all together. And I feel like this was a fun and important conversation.
So, thanks to you both and thank you for listening. We hope you found it helpful on your unschooling journey. And if you enjoy these kinds of conversations, I think you would really love the Living Joyfully Network. You can learn more about it at livingjoyfullyshop.com and click on the community button at the top. We hope to see you there. Take care, everybody.
PAM AND ERIKA: Bye!
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