We are back with another episode in our Unschooling Stumbling Blocks series and we’re talking about personal hygiene.
Questions and concerns about hygiene come up regularly in parenting circles and, in unschooling communities, this topic can sometimes trigger fear. We wanted to dive into personal hygiene to address some of the most common areas that parents mention and talk about how we can move through challenges or fears while still staying connected to our kids.
This was a really fun conversation and we hope you find it helpful on your unschooling journey!
THINGS WE MENTION IN THIS EPISODE
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Watch the video of our conversation on YouTube.
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Check out our website, livingjoyfully.ca for more information about navigating relationships and exploring unschooling.
Sign up to our mailing list to receive The Living Joyfully Dispatch, our biweekly email newsletter, and get a free copy of Pam’s intro to unschooling ebook, What is Unschooling?
We invite you to join us in The Living Joyfully Network, a wonderful online community for parents to connect and engage in candid conversations about living and learning through the lens of unschooling. This month, we’re talking about supporting our children’s autonomy. Come and be part of the conversation!
So much of what we talk about on this podcast and in the Living Joyfully Network isn’t actually about unschooling. It’s about life. On The Living Joyfully Podcast, Anna Brown and Pam Laricchia talk about life, relationships, and parenting. You can check out the archive here, or find it in your your favorite podcast player.
EPISODE TRANSCRIPT
PAM: Hello! I am Pam Laricchia from Living Joyfully, and today I’m joined by my co-hosts, Anna Brown and Erika Ellis. Hello to you both.
Today we are diving into another unschooling stumbling block, personal hygiene, and I think this will be a fun one to discuss. But before we dive in, we want to invite you to join us in the Living Joyfully Network. There is so much value in doing this deep, personal work that the unschooling journey asks of us in community, because while everyone’s journey is absolutely unique, we all face similar obstacles and challenges.
For example, like navigating personal hygiene with our kids, and that is where the power of community shines. So to learn more and join us, just follow the link in the show notes or go to living joyfully shop.com and click on community in the menu. And now, Anna, would you like to get us started?
ANNA: I would. So, this is one of those topics that comes up all the time. And I’m guessing it happens because it is kind of layered, right? And we have all of these outside voices at play, and I think we can also come into it, into parenting, into these beliefs with some preconceived notions about what is appropriate personal hygiene, what it is supposed to look like.
But not surprisingly, I am going to say that people are different. And what’s really cool about that related to this topic that we’re talking about, personal hygiene, is that you can find validation for just about any choice that you make out there, because we have the bathe everyday people. We have the bathe once a week people, we have people who wash their hair every time and others who don’t, and some that don’t ever use shampoo on their hair.
And then thinking about how it plays out differently in different cultures and around the world, I think that allows us to shut out the outside noise and tune into the person in front of us to actually find something that works and feels good to them and to us. Because I feel, just from all the many years of talking with unschooling families and just families in general that are not unschooling – I think most children go through an aversion to bathing season.
For some it can be really intense and there can be some serious sensory pieces involved that just makes bathing dysregulating and really feel scary and hard. And for others it just isn’t a priority because they’re having too much fun doing something else. And then I know lots who love their nightly bath and it’s not a big deal. And teeth brushing is not a problem. And it just works smoothly for them. So I think the big takeaway, and you know, we’re gonna dive into this, but I think it’s just knowing that there’s no one way to approach hygiene.
And so it really can leave space for us to find something that works for all of us. And I’ll talk a little bit more about my piece of that too, because I think that’s the key. It has to work for all of us, it has to feel comfortable for everybody in the family. And so when we can get creative and let go of that outside noise, that’s where it doesn’t have the weight.
ERIKA: Yeah, it is a big topic and it does come up so much, and I think it’s because there’s just so much fear in this topic. For adults and parents, because as parents we’re thinking, this is our responsibility. This is very important. This is, their lives are at stake. It could feel like this very high stakes area, along with maybe food.
These are the things that we think, this is very important. Right? Very important. But I think as we are feeling those feelings and thinking in that way, we have to start trying to see like how, I know you mentioned this all the time, Anna, about where the messages are coming from because I think it may be that we have our own personal fears about things that are hygiene related, but I bet a lot of it is coming from, What are people going to think about how my child’s hair is looking today? Or what are people going to think if I walk outside and they’re like this? Maybe it’s the judgment of our relatives. Maybe it’s just the judgment of strangers on the street. The fear of judgment of others can be really huge in this area.
And so then, like we were talking about in the last episode, that tunnel vision sets in, we’re not able to be open and curious about it. We’re tunneled in on, but it’s supposed to look this way. I really need to make sure my kid does it in this way because this is what everyone says is the safe, correct way to handle hygiene.
And so I think if we can, bring some playful energy to our day, if we can do that with hygiene, it just will help so much with letting us notice all the different possibilities. And then we can also be open to hearing what our children are saying about what’s not working for them, about these different things, about the teeth brushing, about the hair brushing, all the different things that are involved in taking care of their physical body. They know how it’s feeling for them. But if we get stuck on, I have to make you do it in this way, then we’re not hearing what the actual needs that they have are about. What sensory part is not feeling good, what timing of it is not feeling good.
Just thinking about brushing your teeth, there are so many different tools that are out there for brushing your teeth. It’s not just a toothbrush and toothpaste. There’s all different things. Once you can start getting creative about what doesn’t feel good about it: Is it the taste? Is it the texture? Is it taking too long?
There’s one saying it can brush your whole mouth in 10 seconds or something like that. It’s a whole mouth toothbrush. I have never tried that. But anyway, there are lots of possibilities if we can step out of the fear tunnel vision and into what are some other options here?
PAM: And I think you mentioned it’s just one of the biggest things when we first start thinking about it, or it was for me is recognizing, realizing that so many of the expectations that I had, that I was putting on my kids around this stuff were actually the result of expectations I was putting on myself to not feel judged by others.
If we just think, oh, it’s an at home day today, we don’t have to dress in these particular clothes. We can wear our pajamas. Just imagine what’s the difference between an at home and an outside day? That might be a great place just to start playing with it and playing with what expectations am I putting on myself that I need to do as a parent so that I’m not judged by other people.
For me, that was a big one, certainly at the beginning of the journey. And when I just continue to ask myself questions. We can put these expectations on us as adults as well, right? But we’re talking about our kids now, and these can be big things and they can cause so many rifts in our relationship and we can get that tunnel vision thinking we have to do it this one way.
And it feels like it takes like an hour. It takes an hour to get them dressed in the morning, takes an hour to brush their teeth at night, because it’s just this constant rub and trying to convince them. And I think that can be another great clue if we find ourselves trying to convince our kids, whether it’s a shower or toothbrushing, or to finish their plate or to wear these clothes.
When we find ourselves trying to convince them, those rubs are probably great places to start. And so yeah. Start to recognize, is that an expectation I’m holding? Why am I holding that expectation?
Your conversation, Anna, about the different cultures, how you can find people recommending and saying just about anything. They’re all different. So really can be what actually works for us instead of us fitting into a thing or a way of doing a thing.
What way actually works for us and helps us? Play around with different shampoos, dry hair, shampoos, different toothpaste, different toothbrushes, some sort of funky ten second full mouth brushing.
ANNA: I know, I’m curious about that now. We’re going to look it up.
What really struck me was something you said, Erika, just about the fear piece. This comes up a lot in a place like the network. So, this is a little plug for the network too, because someone will come with something that feels really weighty about personal hygiene, whether it’s a toothbrushing or knotted hair. With no idea what to do, “They don’t want to ever bathe!”.
And you can feel the weight, right? You can feel the fear, you can feel, they just feel so stuck. Because I think with fear, it’s the opposite of creativity, right? It completely shuts that down. We’re just so stuck. Stuck is the word that keeps coming to mind.
But what’s really cool about those threads is that then you’ll see this boom, boom, boom of people saying all the creative ways that they’ve fixed the hair, done the thing, made toothbrushing fun, did this or that, and then you feel the lightness come to that person. It’s not that any one of the answers are necessarily the right answer for their family, but the block is gone.
The fear is lifted. Oh, other people have to deal with this. Oh, there are lots of different ways to look at this problem and we can start getting creative. I feel like this relates to the podcast a couple weeks ago about being playful and, and for me it’s like feeling that in your body if you are feeling stuck.
It’s not going to go well, when we feel stuck. Just step away from the problem. If you’re feeling that in your body, step away and figure out how to lighten your energy. Bring some support to yourself. If you’re feeling concerned or worried, talk to someone else. And that’s why it’s nice to be able to talk to people that may also be in a similar situation, because then you’re going to get interesting, creative ideas that may actually work for your family.
But I think the big gift of it is just opening it up and realizing there are so many different ways to tackle this one problem that I thought there was only one way to get through it. And that one way is usually either something we’ve gotten from our family or we’ve read something that’s maybe a bit more dogmatic about washing or not washing.
Because you’re so right, Pam. There are a whole host of people that are like, don’t wash. You’re taking stuff off your skin. That’s really beneficial, and then there’s the other people that are like germs! We have to wash everything and so we can let all of that go and find what works for us and really tune into our kids.
I love that you said that, Erika, because they have things to share, and while baths may be a no-go, what if it is just for one small thing? I don’t like the temperature of the water, or I don’t like how it feels slippery on the bottom. We had that at some point. Just put a towel down. Yes, it gets wet and it’s messy, but if that feels better to them or that might feel worse, or they don’t, maybe like this itchy part, and then we can see the bath’s not the problem.
It was this other little thing that I wasn’t even hearing because I was just thinking we’ve got to do this. And so I love that. Slow it down, tune in and then the creativity comes and we learn, we learn so much more about each other.
ERIKA: I love that slow down part too. Because it’s whenever I’m getting into either trying to rush through or I’m stuck in that fear place, that’s when these things don’t work well.
Basically this is feeling like part two of the last podcast of bringing a playful energy and that is how this stuff gets easier. And, right, checking in with the people on the network about all of these topics is so incredible because anything that feels like this gigantic weight, scariest thing that we’ve ever been through, you type it on there and it’s like, oh yeah, my kids went through that phase as well.
And when you were talking about the kids’ needs again that just brought up that it could be things that aren’t even at all related to the hygiene thing itself. And so that’s why I think just getting completely, open, playful, open and curious mindset is so important.
Because it really could just be, I don’t like the way that you do this particular part of it. I don’t like how we are trying to brush my teeth right after having a drink or the drink doesn’t, water doesn’t taste good after I brush my teeth, so I need to drink first.
It could be just a million different possibilities of what are the things that are bothering them about these particular behaviors that we’re trying to make happen? We are just always learning more about our differences and so with my kids, I like to expand the possibilities and talk about it as in, some people like to do it this way, and I’ve heard that some people do this and I’ve heard that some people do this. Looking at all the different possibilities of what different people do might give them an idea of, okay, like I don’t like the way that mommy does it herself, but here are some other people who are doing things differently.
Just widening our view of what’s possible.
PAM: Yeah, that’s so helpful. And I think going back to that weight that we can feel when I can’t see anything, any possibility for moving forward, but I need to make this thing happen. I think it can often be because we are projecting that into the future.
They’re having a hard time. I can’t get them to brush their teeth the way I want them to brush their teeth now, and that’s just going to be this way forever. I have to solve it today or we’re never going to do it again. How are they going to get a job? They like to wear their pajamas all day.
So being able to release that weight and remembering that people change. This is a season, like don’t sweat the small stuff. Phrasing, like these are just little pieces. Instead of looking at this day, look at a week, look at a month. Look back at previous seasons. Oh, I remember when they used to do this thing and I thought they would just do it forever, and now I noticed they hardly ever do it anymore. Sometimes looking back to recognize that things often move seasonally, that we grow and change, can help us from getting locked into I need to solve this thing right now, which takes away the playfulness, takes away the seeing other possibilities. Oh, some people do this, some people do this, some people do this. And you know, you might find something that’s totally uniquely you inside that whole spectrum of possibilities.
So yeah, I think just finding the way that works for you to release the weight around it. That doesn’t put so much pressure on it. It can just be so super helpful in just bringing, again, like we were talking about last time, the creativity to it. Right? And that’s where you can find their need. That’s where you’re now more open to having conversations and finding out what’s going on and where you can actually get playful and creative.
ANNA: Right, because it’s in that place again that we’re going to learn more and I think a piece that we’ve all touched on, but it’s just trusting there’s something there. There’s something there that is bothering them or isn’t working. And I think we can get stuck in, especially if we’re in that needing to check the box and get through the day mode.
When we have that more hurried energy, we can just feel like they are literally trying to thwart us. They’re just trying to do this thing to make my life terrible. When I find myself in that space, I’m like, okay, slow down, slow down. What’s happening? The world is not out to get me.
What can I do? And then again, like you said, Erika, it can be the tiniest thing that’s not even related, and I’m like, we can fix that. We can change that. But when I just have this frustrated energy of, we just have to do that, and I’m pushing, pushing, pushing. They don’t even want to speak up about what the thing is because, I don’t seem open to it.
I don’t seem open to really hearing and understanding what’s happening for them. And when we think of, sometimes I think it’s helpful to think about us as adults. We have these little quirky things that we do, we’ve all found our way that works for us with our hair or with our hygiene, teeth, or whatever the thing is.
And they’re discovering that for themselves and it’s going to be different for them. To give space and to honor that. I don’t know. Sometimes when we can see it in ourselves, it’s easier to go. Yeah, it makes sense that they’re going to have these particular things that they have to find and work through.
And, again, just being open to, tags feel bad to some people. And I know with my oldest, she’d always wanted to wear the softest pants and no tags and no nothing. I mean, really until she was a teen, I thought she’d always wear that.
The pajama comment reminded me, Pam, because we just kind of went with clothes that were like pajamas. They were super soft, super comfortable because that’s what helped her nervous system be able to handle things. And then she became a teenager and wanted to wear jeans and she was fine. And it switched. And I’m like, okay. And even if she never had, it wouldn’t matter, she was listening to her body, she was learning what helped her feel better in different situations.
And that’s kind of cool, right? So, if I can get out of my head and step back and watch it, then I can enjoy this process of this human finding, what works for them in the world.
ERIKA: I’m trusting that they have the information about themselves and we can be interested in that.
And I was thinking too, how narration might be something nice to do in this area as well. Because I think a lot of times it’s this top down giving orders in the area of hygiene. But if it could be more like, you know, something I’ve noticed about myself is when I’m more stressed out, I get stinkier armpits. Is that something weird or interesting? And so, just talking about hygiene things like, my teeth feel so nice and clean after I brush them at night or whatever. Just anything that’s my experience of my own hygiene practices. Then it starts to get them to think about how it feels to them. What do I like about it, how do I feel after I take a shower, have a bath or whatever. And so, I think it’s kind of related to sharing other people’s ideas too. But I think especially just for me, rather than talking about I think you should do this, I could say, well, I do this because then I feel like this.
PAM: Yeah. And I think that is such a great place to just start asking ourselves some questions too, like is it maybe that we are trying to direct them to take care of hygiene the way that we do it? Or are there some places that we’re kind of disappointed in ourselves and we have this perfect idea of, we wish we could meet and so we’ll get our kids to at least meet it?
Because then they won’t have the same problem that we have with, oh damn, I wish I had another, a shower today. So, to be able to even think about it as narrating. Has us thinking about it and sometimes maybe giving ourselves more grace around it and recognizing that, again, it’s a journey. Maybe what I’m doing right now is working for me, and then something switches up someday and I change up.
How I process hygiene for myself, et cetera. So understanding and seeing how that has changed for us over time can also help us open it up for our kids as well, and really help them find what works for them versus whatever story works for us. Or that we wish worked for us, and then trying to translate that and get them to follow it. Just recognizing the challenge of that in the whole, people are a different world.
ANNA: Yeah and the stinky armpits reminded me that sometimes it’s actually, when we’re trying to find a mutually agreeable solution, there are issues, right? So I am hypersensitive to smell. And there was a teen, early teen period where I was like, this is very hard for me to have stinky people that are coming around.
But instead of, you need to do this, you need to do that, it was that narration. I know, I’m so sensitive to smell. This is hard for me right now. What can we figure out. Then they can recognize that’s about me and what’s happening for me. Versus there’s something wrong, me pointing the finger. And so it’s okay to have conversations with those “I” messages about what is feeling good or what’s working or what’s hard. And you know, I also had girls that had long hair and I found it stressful to be combing their hair if they weren’t doing it. It was getting knotted and I could express, this is feeling stressful for me. What can we do? I want to support you and what you want your hair to like, but then you’re coming to me telling me to brush it. So it was, how do we all work in this together?
And that’s where the conversations come. And when you bring that lighter, playful energy to it, nobody’s left feeling bad about it. It’s more just like, okay, how do we solve this so that it feels okay? And I think that’s why we talk so much about checking that energy. So you can see it’s kind of this layered process of peeling away the external voices, really tuning in and understanding about each other and what’s happening so we can figure out what’s actually rubbing.
And then it’s adding some narration about our process and then it’s conversations about are there solutions we can come up with that feel good to everybody? But you can’t rush it. You kind of have to do all the layers, so that you can get down to a light energy and engage in conversation that doesn’t have weight to it.
ERIKA: Right. Not the fear-based place, but the curious place. Because I’m thinking even just with hair, do you like having long hair or has it just gotten long and we haven’t talked about it? You know? And so finding out, is long hair important to you? Does it bother you when it’s getting all tangled like that?
Just giving the information that trimming it can sometimes make it easier to get some of those end tangles out. We could trim off some tangles. They’re not born knowing all the possibilities of things. And so I think that’s just part of our bringing that creativity and ideas to them, but without the “right answer”, without the agenda and the fear.
Then there’s tons of possibilities.
PAM: And then when you can get to that spot where it’s fun to brainstorm possibilities and sharing that without the weight, without the fear, but this is a possibility. This is a possibility. Anyway, thank you so much to both of you.
That was a very fun and interesting conversation, and I hope people found it useful. And remember we’ve mentioned the Living Joyfully Network a few times in this call because these are very, typical, normal kinds of conversations and challenges to run into. You can join us there to dive deeper into any of these kinds of everyday topics.
And we will be very excited to welcome you! Just follow the link in the show notes or go to livingjoyfullyshop.com and click on community in the menu. Wishing everyone a lovely day. Bye bye!
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