We learn so much about unschooling and how it works while we’re deschooling. I mean, that’s the point, isn’t it? Yet in my experience, that learning is never “done”. As a parent, I am always learning: learning about myself and my children as we change and grow, contemplating how our unschooling lifestyle flows and adapts to our growing experience; learning about new topics I or my children are curious about and exploring ways I can support and expand upon them. The philosophy of unschooling is consistent—yet its implementation looks different in every family, with every child, and over time. I know I’ve said that before, but each time you read it, I think it will mean just a little bit more.
If you have more than one child, have you discovered that your interactions are a bit different with each? It’s not that you change, but how you interact becomes tailored to each child, to each friend, to your spouse.
Beyond the different topics of conversation based on their individual interests, in what ways might your interactions with the people in your family differ?
- Do you use different vocabularies? (What words and phrases are unique to each of your relationships? Different topics from which to draw analogies and comparisons in conversation? More or less colourful language?);
- Are some more receptive to, and appreciative of, physical contact? (Are they a hugger? Not at all? Sometimes? Do they appreciate rough and tumble play?);
- Do some respond to you initiating conversations more often than others (And conversely, with some do you wait more to respond to their prompts?);
- Do some like to be helped as soon as they hit a roadblock while others prefer to spend some time trying to figure things out themselves?
As you grow to know and understand your children more deeply, you can adapt yourself to their learning and communication styles to better connect with them individually. It’s about building stronger relationships. And from stronger relationships comes deeper learning.
Why is that?
Because with a strong and supportive relationship your child is comfortable approaching you to talk about things—and vice versa. With a strong relationship they aren’t worried about looking “stupid” in front of you so they’ll ask that basic question about something: more learning. They aren’t worried about feeling judged so they’ll share their thoughts about a situation so they can talk through it with you: more learning. They aren’t worried about being punished as a result of their actions so they’ll come to you to analyze situations that went awry, or, if possible, before they go awry without worrying about being threatened with punishment: more learning.
With unschooling you want to support your children’s learning as seamlessly as possible so they stay in the flow: that’s where the best learning is. How you do that is unique to each child, and may change over time. Keep learning. And don’t worry about how “life isn’t perfect and they should learn that so maybe I shouldn’t try to help so much.” Believe me, life isn’t perfect, and no matter how hard you try you won’t be able to make everything work out perfectly. Do your best. Show your love and support through your actions. Show, don’t tell.
And there’s another piece to this “don’t stop exploring unschooling” puzzle. Not only do we all grow and change over time as individuals, but each year they are a year older. Is that a bit too obvious? Probably, but I know I sometimes had to remind myself that even if I’d been unschooling for ten years, I’d never been the unschooling parent of a 15 year-old before, a 16 year-old, a 17 year-old. A 17 year-old girl. This particular 15 year-old boy. It is a different experience with each child because each child is different. The ways I connect with them are different, the ways I support their learning are different, the ways I help them process and analyze situations are different. As they get older some of the situations that arise are new to us as a family. I need to pay attention, always. To stay connected, to keep learning. About them and about myself. It keeps me from getting complacent with life. It’s living fully. Living joyfully.
My daughter just finished her required standardized test today, and despite my hope that I was almost finished deschooling, I’m finding that I really have some more work to do. The same thing happened to me last year. Every time a standardized test and our homeschool evaluations pop up, I find myself beginning to panic about certain things. Today I’m finding myself worried about my daughter’s fluency in reading, and this is leading me to wanting to make my kids read everyday. I’m fighting this urge tooth and nail, but, as a bookworm, I’m really uneasy about the fact that- for the most part- my children don’t like to read and simply won’t do it. It’s not that they don’t have an example of someone who likes to read. I’ve always got my nose in a book- usually an unschooling one (incidentally, right now I’m working through Free to Learn a second time). My oldest daughter reads manga online, my 13 year-old daughter is obsessed with online fan fiction, my 9-year-old will occasionally read various things, and my 5-year-old is currently interested in learning and so constantly has a book in her hands, but that leaves me with 6 other kids who will not read anything that’s not on a game or a youtube video. I was really disappointed today listening to my 10-year-old read aloud during the comprehension portion of her test. She used to read above grade level, but through lack of practice, is not progressing much. I know this is my schooled past creeping up on me, but knowing that our evaluations are next week, I’m a little worried. Thankfully, our evaluator leans towards unschooling, but between most of my kids not wanting to read and wondering how I’m going to produce work samples when my kids’ learning is more activity-based, I’m a bit stressed. Sorry to rant- I’m just wondering if you have any advice that will put things into perspective for me.
Hi Shelly,
Try not to focus so much on “finishing deschooling.” It’s not a check box to tick. In fact, as part of deschooling, it’s likely that you’ll stop worrying about deschooling itself and concentrate on enjoying your days with your children because that is where the value of unschooling is.
As for reading, here are some questions and thoughts for you to ponder.
Why does it matter whether what they’re reading is in a book or in a game? Both are full of wonderful stories and interesting ideas. Look again at your comment, “most of my kids not wanting to read.” Do you really mean, “most of my kids not wanting to read books“? Reading is reading is reading.
Ask yourself why you value book reading over other kinds of reading. What is at the root of your wish for your children to read books?
If it’s the joy of a great story, what’s wrong with experiencing a great story through film? Or a video game? Or youtube? You can find great stories in all sorts of mediums.
If it’s the skill of reading, what does it matter if the words are in a book or in a game manual or in youtube comments? You can find useful and meaningful words in all sorts of places.
As for reading aloud, dig into that as well. Pay extra attention to your daughter and reading aloud for a while. If she reads things aloud that interest her in a day-to-day context (rather than being assigned it for a test), is she more at ease? Does she WANT to be better at reading aloud? That’s not a very common day-to-day skill, is it important to you that it “progress”? Why? Could developing that skill wait until a need arises? If a situation arises where it would be useful to her, as you say, practice will help—and at that point she’d have a reason to practice. You probably wouldn’t be able to stop her. 😉
If these questions are being prompted by fears cropping up from the standardized testing, maybe ask yourself what’s the worst that can happen? Your evaluator leans to unschooling, so they’ll get it. If the worry is documenting activities, get creative. Take pictures. Write short narratives (like a journal) that describe what they did, what threads of interest you saw etc. Record a fun “interview” with them talking about the things they enjoy doing. There are many different ways to document their lives beyond worksheets. 🙂
I probably wasn’t very clear in what I was ranting about…sorry! The kids that read manga, fan fiction, etc. were the kids I was counting as those who do read. I absolutely do find the value in all of those mediums. I was referring to my other children who don’t read anything, although from what you wrote I’m rethinking YouTube because I never really thought about that way before, and my 10 yr. old is constantly watching videos about how to make crane machines.
You’re right about waiting to see if my daughter has a need to read aloud. She really is very shy outside of the house (She wouldn’t even tell her new ceramics teacher her name last week!), so that may well be a skill she’ll never need.
And you’re also right that this freak-out was due to the test, which I’m happy to say I’ve calmed down about after reading Sandra Dodd’s approach to standardized tests. My 9 yr. old took hers today, and I approached it completely differently than I did the other day, and BEHOLD- there were no tears today because I actually stayed beside her for the entire test and was there to help if she needed it (or to tell her just to take a wild guess if she started getting worked up). If only I would have seen it two days ago…
Anyway, thank you for being so patient with newbies like me. I’m getting there- slowly, but surely!
No worries, Shelly, it’s definitely a journey. 🙂