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You are here: Home / Living / Unschooling Days: Inside the Nest

Unschooling Days: Inside the Nest

March 14, 2013 By Pam Laricchia 13 Comments

Playing video games and watching TV.

Did you just tense up a bit? 😉

These activities are often part of the typical days of an unschooling family. Yet they are so maligned by conventional society that this week I want to talk about them directly. Ask a friend or acquaintance why they don’t like TV and you’ll probably hear answers along the lines of too much violence, obesity fears, or their kids and/or their spouse just seems to zone out in front of the TV (or YouTube etc.) like they’re doing nothing at all. “They should be more active, more alive!” And interestingly, it often looks true in their lives: their kids, their spouse, and maybe themselves, plop down on the couch and take on that zombie look, decompressing after a long day or week.

But what if you don’t live a life of conventional work and school that you feel the overwhelming need to escape or recover from?

That’s right up our alley! So let’s explore what these activities might look like in an unschooling family. There is so much fun and learning and connecting and life swirling through them. And it often looks very different than it does in the more conventional lives typically being studied.

Let’s look at TV first

The enjoyment of learning about topics you find interesting through beautiful documentaries and information-packed shows is pretty easy to imagine, yes? Maybe you and your child love the ocean and are captivated by underwater life, but the idea of getting scuba certified and transporting yourselves to the Great Barrier Reef is incredibly daunting. Watching a documentary produced by people also passionate about life on the reef overcomes that quite nicely—certainly in the short-term.

Alongside the value of gathering knowledge is the value of sharing stories. Over the years, TV shows have inspired umpteen discussions in our lives, ranging from how to treat friends and being true to yourself to ethics and religion and sex; from storytelling cliches to how to create a suspenseful atmosphere. We’ve let out shouts of shock, jumped for joy, paused the show for conversations that couldn’t wait, waited for conversations until the show was over so we didn’t break the mood, and dashed to the computer to research facts more deeply (or lately have an iPad within reach). To me, that’s one of the major differences between typical viewers and unschooling viewers: active participation. We take it in, we roll it around in our minds, we weigh it against what we already know, and we make choices about what connects and what we let drift away. We fully experience it. We enjoy it.

And yes, sometimes we watch reruns of our favourite shows and/or movies to decompress and re-energize. It’s a fun tool for that too! Maybe you’ve had a busy day or a week where you’ve been more out than in and you want to relax and rejuvenate. Maybe it’s the tool of choice for your introverted child to recover after a group activity—even if they thoroughly enjoyed it, they need some down time to recoup their energy. In those times, take a moment to mention that connection between activity and recovery so they notice it too. They’re learning. Understanding themselves and their personal needs will help them be mindful about scheduling in down time so they are less likely to become so overwhelmed that it affects them negatively.

With unschooling, the important thing to support both their learning and your relationship, is having the choice.

If you’ve told them flat out “No, you’re not allowed to watch that show,” you’ve likely just made them very curious! “Why not??” they wonder. And curiosity is an incredibly strong motivator. So now they either have to either suppress their budding curiosity, or sneak around you to satisfy it. And if they do manage to find some time when you are otherwise occupied, or they are visiting friends with access (which will happen more and more as they get older), they’ll be watching it without being able to chat with you about what they discover: less learning. They’ll also be more likely to continue watching even if at some point their inclination is to stop: their curiosity about the source of your denial, or just plain rebelliousness to flex their power against your rules, pushes them beyond their own boundaries. That’s where more harm than good can happen.

Imagine your child is watching a scary movie you’ve banned at a friend’s house. If she starts to get scared halfway through the movie there’s a good chance she’ll stick it out to prove you wrong, or to avoid admitting her fear to her friend. Then maybe she has nightmares for a couple nights. Result? You’re now even more determined to make sure she doesn’t watch scary movies because you believe she’s just proved she can’t make good movie choices on her own. But really, you took the choice out of her hands up front—all her actions from that point were mired in reactions to your denial, not her own motivations.

With choice, and having a parent willing to watch with them, to support them by reacting to their needs in the moment—maybe pausing the show to discuss what’s happening, or lowering the volume during scary or emotional scenes, or warning them when they might want to cover their eyes, or changing the channel when asked—they are free to follow their curiosity until it has been sated, exploring the world and themselves, in a safe environment. Lots of learning. Alongside, it’s also a great opportunity for you to learn more about them. What sparked their interest? How was it satisfied? Do they seem to want more?

Does all that sound like mindless zombie TV watching?

Now let’s look at video game playing

What might gaming look like in an unschooling home? With available, willing, and supportive parents, gaming with younger children can often include reading the game text for them as they play: more stories shared, more conversations initiated, more strategies batted about. Thinking out loud can be a really fun way to sort through ideas, and a great way for parents to see their child’s beautiful mind at work—while they’re at play!

Parents may find themselves reading game guides aloud to their child or silently to themselves, to help their child figure out how to beat that boss, or find all the gold skulltulas. When my kids were younger we had a computer in the same room where they usually played so we could look things up quickly. Sometimes we printed out a section of the guide to have handy on the couch. I have wonderful memories of working together with Michael to reach his goal of beating Luigi’s Mansion. And of watching Joseph play for hours, deeply fascinated by the artistic style of The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker and Shadow of the Colossus. He’ll still call me to come see beautiful scenes and characters.

One thing that can be challenging is when our children become frustrated while playing. Our first reaction may be to shy away from it, insist they stop playing for a while. And sometimes a break can be a great strategy—if they’re willing to try it. Helping them explore ways to work through frustration while they’re figuring out new things is a great life skill. Beyond video games, there will be many situations where things are new and challenging and understanding how they best move through that is invaluable.

Another way parents can support their kids while they play is to bring food and drinks to keep their minds alert and reaction time at its peak while they’re deep in their work. More learning, not only about the game strategies themselves, but again, about the physical ways their brains and bodies are supported. Be with them. Be available. Anticipate their needs, not only to support them in the moment, but to help them learn what their needs are.

Thinking back now, I remember when we first started unschooling. Joseph was almost ten years old and he dove deeply into playing video games. At first I was uncomfortable, unsure he was learning much of anything. But when I realized my only other choice was to implement time restrictions and be stuck with the resulting power struggle, I decided to dive in with him and see what all the fun was about! One of the best choices I’ve ever made. A couple years later, in 2004, I wrote a conference talk and article about what I discovered. If you haven’t read it yet, you might want to click on over: Everything I Need to Know I Learned from Video Games. And here’s an illustration I drew up at one point—a snapshot of the learning connections I’d seen related to his passion for video games.

Does playing video games and watching TV look a bit different to you now? Can you see all the learning that is woven into the fabric of these activities? All the loving support that is made concrete by celebrating the joy found in them? Exploring them together with my children has not only put my mind at ease, but strengthened and solidified our relationships. And those will last a lifetime. 🙂

Filed Under: Living, Unschooling Tagged With: learning, Mar 2013, relationships

Comments

  1. Dola Dasgupta says

    March 15, 2013 at 9:14 am

    Pam,
    I resonate with all you have written. My daughter is watching a crime series on iPad and YouTube all day long..I found her writing in her dairy the word..”Forensik Science”..She is 11. She has started reading Thea Stilton Books as they have mystery in it…One had lovely facts about the ‘Roaring Twenties” and its fashion, scarlet lipstick and bob cut hair for women and the knee length skirt which was considered ‘too short for women’ then!..The interest in the book came after the TV show passion!
    My son is now into Star Wars and has been watching the Lego videos of Star Wars and also the films…The Lego passion is the foundation and star wars has come later..He used to sketch building structures earlier..and now he is sketching space ships, space cities and other celestial bodies..I like the way he gives motion to his celestial articles..with a swoosh here and there! With the Tintin and Pirates of the Caribbean series he got interested in Treasure and ships..and now he is exploring gems and stones from books and iPad apps…He is trying to identify stones and gems from some few jewels that I have! We have been talking about where can one find precious rocks like diamonds..so we have been talking about mining!

    Dola

    Reply
    • Pam Laricchia says

      March 15, 2013 at 2:38 pm

      That’s awesome, Dola! I love hearing stories about interests and passions and how they branch out over time! It’s so amazing to watch a mind in action. 🙂

      Reply
  2. Michelle says

    March 18, 2013 at 9:19 pm

    Have you been hanging around our house?! I always wondered what people were talking about when they say “veg out” in front of the TV. It’s anything but that at our house. About the video games, I’m just sad that they’ve moved beyond my ability to “help” them through a hard level. But we’ve moved on to what makes a game replay-able and elaborate storylines behind the best games.
    Now I only have problem finding the humor in videos that they find absolutely hilarious. I’ll keep watching. I’m sure it’s in there somewhere.

    Reply
    • Pam Laricchia says

      March 20, 2013 at 7:50 pm

      So great, right?? Thanks for sharing, Michelle! 🙂

      Reply
  3. jessica nellis says

    March 22, 2013 at 2:57 pm

    Thanks for writing this. Our family loves tv, movies and videogames and I felt that we have been learning from it but almost felt embarrassed to admit it since I know so many people who don’t have one in their homes or just see it as a waste of time. I have a hard time seeing learning connections through videogames so I appreciate seeing a positive viewpoint. We have spent many a show discussing choices, validity, what goes on in the background, what may happen, historical time periods, etc and have a lot of fun doing it. I’m going to try to get more involved my almost 7 yr old and his gaming now that I’ve read this( he’d love me to anyway). 🙂

    Reply
    • Pam Laricchia says

      March 22, 2013 at 5:09 pm

      Our experience is different than many others see it, isn’t it Jessica? Yet it’s so true: tv, movies, and video games can spark so much fun and learning! Enjoy being more involved with your son’s gaming! And I agree, he’ll love having you there. 🙂

      Reply
  4. Carrie Pomeroy says

    May 15, 2013 at 1:55 pm

    I loved this post and your video game article. I still struggle with how much time my son wants to spend on the computer and my own biases. But I’ve seen my child grow and learn in so many ways through Minecraft.

    He’s learned problem-solving and collaboration playing online with his friends and now with people he doesn’t even know in person on a server he loves. He had never been interested in writing, but chatting while gaming and then sending emails related to gaming made his writing, typing, and spelling take huge leaps forward. He’s currently writing a multi-chapter fan fiction about Minecraft. He regularly finds new variations of Minecraft to play on the Minecraft forums, so he’s learning research skills. I could go on–there’s design when he builds new things, engineering with red-stone circuitry, strategy galore. He loves to talk to me about his latest discoveries, and I love seeing how lit up he gets.

    It’s hard for me sometimes because he seems less “lit up” about so-called “real world” activities, and I struggle not to feel afraid and give in to the biases our culture has against computers and gaming. Your post here helps. Thank you!

    Reply
    • Pam Laricchia says

      May 18, 2013 at 3:01 pm

      You’re welcome, Carrie!

      Remember, it’s all the real world. People have been playing games forever–the format has just changed over time. And computers are a significant part of our real world now and into the future. 🙂

      Reply
  5. Natasha says

    December 6, 2015 at 5:34 pm

    This, together with the articles and resources you linked to, was really a great read for me. I haven’t had a chance to see unschooling in practice yet since my child is only two years old, but these things have been on my mind recently since gaming was such a big part of our identities before we became parents and we often relax by the TV. I’m imposing limits on myself regarding gaming and TV, but my husband seems to be gaming almost as much as he did before the child was born, which causes all kinds of internal struggles for me. My husband has a brilliant mind and so I figure there must be something valid in his choice to keep gaming. Your articles seem to agree.

    And the best point of all is that we actually seem to be doing all the right things already.

    First of all, we don’t even watch commercials on TV. We only ever watch things we ourselves decide, i.e. from DVDs, and we decide exactly when to watch and are not forced to either wait by a cliffhanger or be by the TV at a specific time. We usually only watch TV in company and we often pause to discuss what’s going on. After an episode we often have a long discussion, and after a whole season we can talk about the show for days after. What happened, what could have happened, and how did they do that impressive special effect. We, too, watch the same episodes or shows more than once when we feel the need to relax, but we’ve also made a habit of keeping movies/shows we feel strongly align with our view of the world. Sometimes we invite new friends over to show them a movie we’ve seen ten times over, because it’s a good way for us to share who we are and to bond through the pauses and discussions.

    And with gaming, we hardly ever keep the game within the game. I usually bring a pen and paper when my husband plays a video game from the sofa. When I play myself, on the computer, I often use spreadsheets either to organize information or do some calculations. We’re both programmers and have written a lot of code to either analyze the games somehow or to simplify decision making. I’ve learned brand new code methods in order to figure out complex games.

    Again, thank you for writing these articles. I had all the answers in my head already, but I needed to hear them from someone else to believe in them.

    As you said in the comment above, it’s all the real world.

    Reply
    • Pam Laricchia says

      December 6, 2015 at 6:40 pm

      I’m glad to help, Natasha. 🙂

      And I loved reading a bit about how you guys watch TV and play games! The extended story conversations, the new code methods to figure out complex games. Very cool.

      My son Michael (18) and I are just finishing up listening to Everything Bad is Good For You—his choice. I love the author’s take on the growing complexity of popular games, that it’s the complexity that makes them so engaging. Free to choose, we don’t naturally migrate to easy.

      Thanks for sharing!

      Reply
  6. Florence says

    January 23, 2016 at 9:36 am

    Hello Pam,

    Thank you for your website I’m just discovering. I’ve loved to read your son was 10 when he has started unschoolling. Our son is nearby 8. We are thinking about deschooling. Sometimes I’ve been feeling bad Oh my god is already 8 and we’re not yet there.
    Thank you for your testimonies. That will help us I’m sure. I’m so excited about it. While I feel a bit preoccupied sometimes about what new to put in place in our life to make this possible including what new money earning activities to live on that will also allowing us to be present for our kid.

    Best wishes,
    Florence from Belgium

    Reply
    • Pam Laricchia says

      January 25, 2016 at 7:54 am

      Hi Florence, welcome!

      It’s never too late to start. 🙂 I remember both the excitement and the uncertainty that are wrapped up in making big life changes. It’s so worth it!

      Have fun,
      Pam

      Reply

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