Does that seem like a strange question?
This month we’re talking about unschooling kids and I’ve been remembering life around our house back when it included three children ten and under, with their beautiful yet seemingly endless energy bouncing through the day. I thought about the advice I often hear given to moms of younger children like, “remember to take time for yourself,” and I began to ponder the motivation behind those phrases because they never really felt good to me. And it struck me. Phrases like that imply that there are two versions of the one person: the “real” person, “you”; and the “mother.”
A quick aside: If you’re a dad, I don’t mean to specifically exclude you, but these conventional phrases are typically addressed to the mom, so I’m going to take that tack this week. Feel free to substitute parent and see if you too find yourself wrapped up in a role.
Those meanderings led me to contemplate these questions: Are you not honouring and celebrating yourself as you interact with your children? Do you not feel genuinely you when you’re with them? That you’re playing the role of “mother,” not being yourself? Do you think of your time as divided into two distinct slices: “there’s time with the kids when I meet their needs and ignore mine” and “time without the kids when I meet my needs and ignore theirs”?
Of course it’s not likely quite that black and white, but the questions get our brain juices flowing. 🙂
On one hand, putting on that mothering role can feel protective for the mom, like a favourite sweater. It can tell her what to do: “you should play with them,” “you should read to them,” or “they should take a bath.” Yet it can also become judgmental, swirling with echoes of the voices in her head. See what that word “should” does? That level of meta-thinking—thinking about what a “good mother should do”, while actively mothering—can add a layer between you and your child that gets in the way of deeply connecting with them in the moment. It’s like 75% of your brain is with them, and the other 25% is analyzing and judging every action you take. Instead, try to get fully in the moment with them. There is so much joy there.
Of course, that doesn’t mean don’t think about it ever—analyzing our ideas surrounding the parent we want to be and brainstorming ways to get there from where we are now is how we grow as a parent, as a person. But that analysis can get in the way when you’re in the moment. Another interesting question: are you doing something with your children because you think you should be doing it or because you know you want to do it? I think pondering that question can help you see the difference between playing a role and being that person.
If you are choosing to be a mother, move beyond playing at it, and *be* it.
For me, this was part of learning to value my work as a mother. Instead of buying into the conventional idea that parenting is second-class work, that I’d be bored with my kids all day if I didn’t turn off half my brain and look forward to my time away from my kids to replenish the real me, I decided to bring my full self to each day. I found the many reasons I choose to get on the floor and play face-to-face with my children. To take them to the park. To make messes with them.
That was a big shift for me, realizing I didn’t need to be away from my children to be a whole person, to fully be myself. I started looking for things that brought that person out and nurtured her, while being with my children. For me, sometimes it was puzzle games with the kids. Or reading a magazine nearby as they played or watched TV. Or reaching for an almost meditative state during repetitive activities like pushing a swing, or separating Lego pieces. A candle lit in the kitchen while I tidied or prepared some food. A light nap as they were engrossed in a movie. A walk around the block giving us all new things to look at, including me checking out the neighbours’ front gardens for ideas. A quiet coffee and a book for a half-hour before the kids woke up. The whole me is always there.
What do you like to do? What refreshes you?
Let’s brainstorm some things you might do for a few minutes here and there throughout the day that will help you feel whole and present, not stuck in a role waiting for your moment to step outside it and be yourself:
- dig into what you love: like a few minutes sitting outside with a coffee/tea and a magazine or book—fiction worlds you enjoy or nonfiction about your own interests and passions (while the kids sleep, nap, or run through the sprinkler);
- refresh: like a short mid-day soak in a bubble bath (while the kids nap or watch TV or join you in the tub);
- get the creative juices flowing: grab a sketchbook or some craft stuff you love and play (with supplies for everyone so kids are welcome to join you, or after they’ve fallen asleep for the night for more concentrated work);
- change of scenery: a walk or bike ride around the block (alone after dinner while your spouse plays with the kids, or with them during the day, or the whole family);
- get the blood pumping: do some yoga or hooping or trampoline bouncing (again, alone or with the kids—just start and they’ll often join in)
Asking yourself these kinds of questions helps bring your focus to you. Brainstorm some ideas for yourself and try them out, see how they feel. Obviously, you don’t have the same time to dedicate to your interests as you did before having children, but that’s understandable, right? Children are now one of your passionate interests! And as you do some of these things, even if only for a few minutes here and there, be mindful to give the moment your full attention, truly revel and refresh. Don’t have your mind racing about other household stresses while you expertly navigate the stroller around the block. Where’s the fun in that?! And don’t stress if things don’t go as planned. Things may not always work out smoothly, but they won’t always go awry either. And your children get to see you doing things you enjoy: they see you as a whole person, not only as a caregiver.
None of this is to say that you won’t find times when the thing you really want to do is to be alone for a while. Or to meet up with a friend. So arrange a trip to the coffee shop or the library while your spouse hangs out with the kids. Seek out an older child as a mother’s helper for a while. But from this new perspective, one where you’re not looking for an escape but to live fully, you will understand why it’s what you need so you’re much less likely to feel like you need to justify yourself with phrases like “I’m taking time to honour and celebrate me.” Instead, you can just say, “I’m going to the coffee shop for some quiet time to write in my journal.” You don’t need to wait for permission or a special occasion to be yourself. Just do it. (Did anyone else just hear a swoosh?)
Drop the role and be yourself—be the mom, and the person, you want to be. At the same time. And bring that whole being into each moment with your children, with your spouse, and with your friends.
Being yourself: it’s a refreshing and inspiring place to be. 🙂
It’s funny how so many of us use different voices, different personas with our children than we use with outer adults. I wonder if this doesn’t teach them to be inauthentic. Great points!
Thanks, Caren!
Yes, yes, yes. I love this post. A couple of years ago, when my third child was just a baby, someone casually blind-sided me with a question something like, “Do you have a life outside of being a Mom?” I didn’t respond very strongly at the time, but the more I thought about it, I wondered why the Outside part was so important.
This is what I wrote later that day: “The truth is that I don’t have a life outside of being a mom, but I have a life which fully includes being a Mama. I have no shortage of social interaction, or time for creativity, self-expression, love, kindness, fulfillment, laughter, movement, and friendship. These just all happen to include my children. . .”
That is BEAUTIFUL, Nikole!! I love it!
Love this!
That is just so true!
I tried to imagine what a “life outside of being a Mom” would look like, and as a very visual person I had an image of me standing outside of myself! Even though both of my girls are adults (20 and 23), I’m still a Mom all the time, I’m everything I am all of the time. With or without them in the same room or house with me. So the answer is “no, I don’t have a life outside of being a Mom, I have a life as a Mom and as everything else I am”.
Exactly! 😀
What a lovely post Pam! Thanks! 🙂
Making time for myself never rang true to me….as I was constantly striving to just BE – myself – a whole person at all times.
I would like to share here a post on my blog that reflects similar thoughts that you have so beautifully shared here…http://innerspaces.blogspot.in/2012/12/the-miracle-of-mindfulness.html
What a terrific post, Priya! I had goosebumps reading your sketching story. And I love the quote from Thich Nhat Hanh you closed with:
“Mindfulness is the miracle by which we master and restore ourselves.”
🙂
I love this post- it sums up how I feel about being a Mum; like I’m reaching my full potential as a person and enjoying every (ok most) moments with them. I find the idea of splitting yourself into ‘mother’ and ‘you’ really uncomfortable and it’s almost taboo to be admit “Actually, I love spending time with my kids, doing playdoh and parks and watching films together.” It doesn’t mean you’re any less intelligent or that you have a lower fulfilment level. I also feel really uncomfortable when people talk about sending their kids to school as if they can’t wait for their ‘main’ parenting bit to be over. I have dreaded the day I ‘had’ to send my kids to school since the day my first was born, and thankfully I found out about home schooling in time. Of course there are times when I want to tear my hair out, and I appreciate time on my own just like anyone- but this post nailed it about wanting to parent and not acting out to society’s expectations. Thanks for a great post!
Thanks, Hannah, I’m glad it struck a chord with you! 🙂
A very lovely post. I was often and am still often told my many..”don’t be so much with your kids”..I am a single parent..and hence I am mostly with my kids..I have over the years worked towards making my life interweave with theirs.. I realized if I wanted a life separate from their’s I would have very little choices left. As I really do not have a choice to leave them alone with anyone. So I have been striving to make myself a person who likes being with two other persons (my children)..rather than trying to be a ‘ mother’ who does things with her children…I see my kids as my companions and partners. And I do fall into the trap of ‘motherhood’ now and then and go all haywire within. The whole guilt, shame, paranoia, fear etc take over. But thankfully mindfulness and meditation and seeing myself as a person and my children as people..who I live together with rather than making it only about parent-child has helped me to be myself mostly with joy and courage..and has been making unschooling and parenting easier.
Love
I hear ya, Dola! I was told so many times when my kids were younger to do stuff on my own, or to send them out to visit so I could concentrate on stuff at home. It was always the go-to solution suggested when things got busy. I’m not sure they ever understood why I resisted.
I love how you use mindfulness and meditation and seeing yourself as a person, a person whose wish to grow and be a present parent and partner to her children is paramount, to move through the more challenging times.
Beautiful. 🙂
I really enjoyed your article! What you have described is what I have been doing intuitively as a mom. I am with my kids all the time. I choose to be.
And, at the same time, I still require time to unplug.
It wasn’t until recently that I learned that children are energetically connected to their caregivers in such a way that they pull a lot of energy from the person who is the primary caregiver. It has something to do with a magnetic pull. For me, this pull has been personally draining energetically. Even when being connected when I am with them. Even with taking times during the day to recharge when I am with them, I still have a need for my alone time to recharge. It’s not because I feel I am playing a role or somehow divided myself. It’s just a natural flow of energy and a natural need to replenish energy for me and many others. Discovering this was a relief because I thought I was dong something incorrectly as a mom/person for having this particular need. It turns out it is just natural for some/most people who are so connected with their children.
I have recently become a Reiki Master/Teacher. During my research while learning about Reiki I learned about this energetic exchange. It was a real relief for me to learn something I intuitively knew all along.
Absolutely, Nancy, sometimes we need time alone. And as I mentioned, the great thing about understanding ourselves and living fully present with our family is that we can just be honest about that need, no need for conventional justifications.
It is draining when we continue to force ourselves to do things that do not ring true for us. It’s such an interesting time when we are exploring new things, suspending what think we “know” for a while to see what else we might find to be true. Yet that’s not a very comfortable state to live in for an extended period of time, especially if what we’re discovering is not connecting for us, not beginning to make sense. But when things do connect, it’s exciting!
I’m glad you’re finding things that are making sense for you. 🙂
I have found being with my kids, even just one at times quite exhausting. I would love to learn more about what you are talking about regarding the energetic pull.
Hi Maria, I hope Nancy gets notification of your comment and has a moment to reply.
I don’t know how old your children are, but sometimes parenting IS exhausting. That’s okay. They won’t be this age forever. That isn’t meant to be trite—sometimes that reminder really helped me pull out of an exhausted spiral of overwhelm.
Other times, I tried to engage them in things they enjoyed and that I could also handle when I was feeling low energy, or even better, that helped me recoup a bit of energy. Kids often like to join us in our things too.
These observations are all part of coming to better understand ourselves, and exploring ways we can mesh more comfortably with our family. 🙂
Maria, if you can, see my post below Pam’s comments, are you an introvert too??? 😉
best,
Heidi in WI
Hi Nancy, not sure if you’ll happen to see this, but I’ve just finished reading the book _Quiet_ by Susan Cain. LIFE CHANGING info!!! I’m an introvert, through and through, and I finally get why being a momma can be so energy draining, we get our batteries recharged from quiet, and when as a momma do we get that, or enough?? 😉 I’m looking to find more ways to create more quiet moments in the day so that by the end of the day by battery is full enough so that I don’t have the meltdowns at bedtime! Interestingly, my daughter is also an introvert, but when she feels comfy with someone, she’ll chat away, like all the time!! Put her in a new social setting and she’s quiet, observing. So I’d often take her places to get my “quiet”, but that wasn’t the restorative quiet I needed to recharge my batteries because we were out in public usually. It’s all so fascinating to me. Learning all the time as we go. Introvert mommas, who are homeschoolers, what are your secrets to get enough quiet????
It is so fascinating, isn’t it?? 😀
Hi Pam,
My children are young adults now. As you say, we need to be not act as a parent. May I suggest that the state of being is in flux according to the developmental age of the family as a whole. eg. You do not interact with a 2 year old in the same way that you act with a 6 year old or 10, 22 etc. Your 22 year old does not , hopefully embrace you as he/she did when they were 7. We learn and feel new ways of interacting on both sides in order to build the relationship for ourselves and the people for which we care. The ability to truly see is what helps us to be… in my humble opinion and the fact that we love them gives us strength. Your piece was truly enlightening! Thank you.
Yes, Donna, you’re right, how we relate with our children changes over time. My focus here is on the younger years as this month’s topic is Unschooling Kids. Teens are up next month! 🙂
thank you so much for that, pam.
up until very recently, that’s what i was doing: waiting for my next opportunity to scape the mother role so i could reconnect with myself again. this post is very synchronical to my new approach with my son (1y9m).
but i do have doubts when you say:
“Another interesting question: are you doing something with your children because you think you should be doing it or because you know you want to do it?”
my post-partum wasn’t very smooth and i was going through divorce when he was 3 months. so many of the things i did, all those approaches related to attachament parenting, i did more because i knew that was the best rather than because i felt like it.
and i’m glad i did.
i don’t believe we would be better off today had i followed what i felt like doing then – basically being by myself as long as possible.
thanks again, i just finished you introductory series.
love,
ana (from brazil!)
Ana, thanks so much for sharing and you’re right! Sometimes it does help us to work more to the standards we want to hold ourselves to rather than how we’re feeling in the moment. Your situation is a wonderful example.
The questions I pose in my writing are not meant to imply a definitively right or wrong answer but to churn up the kinds of thinking that I find helps me explore how I see the world. For example, in a similar situation, thinking about that question may help someone realize they are playing the role more than living it right now. A clue to something deeper. Digging into that may help them better understand why that’s happening, maybe opening them up to ask for any help they could use in that moment. It’s not wrong, it’s life.
I’m very glad you’re feeling better. 🙂
So glad I read this post. I work from home, and there have been times when I am torn lately. I don’t feel as if I’m giving anything my full/attention or being in the moment. My 6yo son has become quite independent recently. I can work while he plays, but then I want to be giving him more because I love being with him. When I’m playing sometimes my mind wandered to my work, which I really enjoy.
My husband is great, and we try to set up time for me to work while he and my son do things together. I guess I am looking for more balance. Was that something you had to work at?
Meryl
Hey Meryl,
Good question! I’ve played around with the idea of balance but in the end I didn’t find it very useful, unless I took a really long time-frame. Balance is pretty arbitrary because it doesn’t take any of our real needs into account.
I’ve found the idea of “flow” worked better for me as an image. Sometimes the kids needed me more, and sometimes less–it flowed based on our lives in the moment. Instead of looking for balance as a goal, it helps me more to look to my children and take my cues from them. 🙂
thank you pam for this post. another mom posted it on the unschooling list here in san francisco. i can see you wrote it a few moons ago, but i wanted to reach out and thank you anyway. it came at the perfect time for me.
i went to a party yesterday – the conversations naturally lead to the fact that i was homeschooling. after a few conversations i found myself frustrated. i did not want to defend what i was doing anymore. i take full credit for my part in the dynamic, i was tired, and i know such curiosity is natural. i am very familiar with this conversation, and i usually can roll with it and enjoy it – no, i am not a “saint”. “how do you do it?!” and “when do you ever get time for yourself?!” and “don’t they drive you crazy?!” – let’s just say i lost my usual vim and vigor on sharing my beliefs re:unschooling.
this post helped me reconnect with my intentions….
Late to the party….but I love this. Just a change in mindset that would have been so very useful to me when my kids were smaller(they are 4.5 and 6 now, and obviously this is helpful at any age, but most especially when we typically feel head to toe absorbed in their needs and very existence for that matter). We do try to put our kids’ needs ahead of our own which, though sounding most noble, we are unable to do and rightfully so! I wholeheartedly agree that shifting one’s mentality to being another person in the room with needs to be met. However, just like unschoolingoing, it requires a complete paradigm shift. As mamas, just like we have been taught learning must happen in a classroom, so must our energy and mind recharge happen away from our children. I had terrible postpartum depression and being at home and not working outside of the home and having “time to myself, that i didn’t have to think all about the children” seemed to really exacerbate things. Now I’m not saying it would have all gone away, but perhaps this mindset may have helped me feel so much less exhausted and guilty all the time, and perhaps more able to cope with mumming in general.
Thanks for joining in the conversation, April! You’re right, it’s a helpful shift any time, though especially when they are young. And I love the word “mumming!” 🙂
I’m just discovering the concept of Unschooling now and plan to make the leap as soon as this traditional school year is over. I’m devouring and loving all of the information out there. Your website and podcasts have been invaluable to my transition. THIS post hit home completely and truly. Thanks so much for the insight that was always on the tip of my brain but just slightly out of reach.
Thanks so much, Leslie! I appreciate you taking the time to share that and best of luck to you and your family as you transition to unschooling. Have fun! 🙂
When you learn these things too late and you’ve missed so much because of that should voice that keeps you separated from them…
Is their repair possible? How do thise patterns of unmet needs get broken and filled in with the love you have wanted to give. How to be free of the guilt that you have caused pain and a rift in your child’s heart …
Definitely the relationship repair is possible. And how cool that on the Q&A episode this week we answered a question very similar to this! I think you’ll find some solid ideas on how to approach things here: http://livingjoyfully.ca/blog/2017/11/eu100-qa-round-table/
It’s the second question, from Jessica.
Wishing you all the best. 🙂
Hi Pam I love this post! I first heard you speak to this on the Sage family podcast and it totally blew my mind! It’s so simple yet at the same time life changing. I had that mentality of thinking I needed time alone or away from the children to be myself or recharge. It felt exhausting waiting for it and I was passing the time with my children to reach this end goal of a little time alone to be myself! It was such a huge turn around when I heard you speak to this. I immediately “fell in love” and began listening to your podcast for the very beginning! I am currently snuggling my two year old watching Blipping with him and reading this blog with fuels me. Thank you so much!!