Living Joyfully

Helping parents cultivate a thriving unschooling lifestyle in their family.

  • Start Here
  • Deschooling
  • Unschooling
  • Parenting
  • About
  • Contact
  • Podcast
    • Q&A Episodes
    • Ten Questions Episodes
    • Interviews I’ve done …
    • TUC Talks
  • Books
    • Book Clubs
  • Network
  • Summit
  • Questions?
  • Articles
    • Spanish Translations
  • Blog
You are here: Home / Parenting / Five Unconventional Ideas About Relationships With Teens

Five Unconventional Ideas About Relationships With Teens

June 13, 2013 By Pam Laricchia 14 Comments

Five unconventional ideas about relationships with teensOne of the biggest fears I see mentioned over and over by parents is that their teens will make the same mistakes they did growing up. Parents of teens have, at this point in their lives, gained a certain perspective and feel pretty confident about the thread of actions and consequences that wove through their own teen years. Even beyond that, many imagine that if they could go back and do it all again knowing what they know now, they’d do a better job of it. You’d find the quotes here and there, all over the internet and innumerably so, about how most teens are incapable of averting breakups and other major mistakes of their life. Mired in what they see as the perfect vision of hindsight, their mind starts each flashback with “if only …” “If only I’d hung out with a different crowd, I would have made better connections.” “If only I hadn’t wasted my time, I could have made more money at my job.” “If only I had studied harder, I could have gotten into a better college.” These are simplistic appraisals, but given what they see as a second chance, parents are confident they can engineer a better outcome for their teen, “if only they would listen to me.” (There it is again!)

We could dig deeper and wonder why as adults we are often drawn to tell the negative interpretation of the story of our lives. Maybe it has to do with the pessimistic view of their lives many were handed by their parents? (Though it’s helpful to ask ourselves if we really want to hand that tendency to our children.) Why are we drawn to tell people all that is wrong with what we see rather than acknowledge much that is right? Does it make us feel better, smarter? It’s fascinating stuff but let’s save that rabbit hole for another day. I just wanted to plant that seed. Today let’s keep our focus on ways we can support our teens and help them write a different story—their own story. Not a shadow of ours.

Back to the rather cynical “if only” recollections. Although I am suggesting that we as parents try to avoid projecting our personal experiences too deeply onto our teens, I don’t mean to imply that we keep our thoughts to ourselves and leave them to figure out the world on their own. Far from it! Parents have experience and wisdom to share that can be very helpful. Yet to be truly helpful, it’s important that our teens receive it in the “no strings attached” spirit we intend, or else our motivation is suspect and the information understandably discounted. So the atmosphere of communication is important—the relationship.

Lissy and I playing happy monsters.
Lissy and I playing happy monsters.

Conventionally, relationships with teens are painted as either/or: either you focus on maintaining authority (tough love) or you avoid challenges altogether (let them run wild). Yet unschooling families have found the beauty of living inside the spectrum of those extremes. We continue to cultivate the strong and connected relationships we have built with our children over the years—it’s a relationship paradigm that serves us well no matter our children’s age. Let’s look at some of the ways unschooling parents view relationships differently and what that can look like in the teen years. Notice how they all boil down to how we relate to them: as people, not possessions.

1. We drop the expectations

Unschoolers don’t share their experiences or perspective with the expectation that their teens will reach the exact same conclusions. That’s hard, isn’t it? We know what we know! To us—for us—our experiences are fact.

For me, it’s a kind of philosophical detachment. Not a detachment as in disengagement, but in appreciation of their individuality. Almost paradoxically, when I’m not living my life through them, I feel even closer to them, because it’s not about me—their life is theirs to live—so I can detach from the outcome and drop my expectations. They are not younger versions of me but unique beings in their own right. So though the experiences I share may be helpful to them, useful pieces to the puzzle of their life, I don’t expect my stories to mean the same things to them: we are each building different puzzles.

2. We realize that the circumstances of their lives are different than ours

Speaking of different puzzles, take a moment to realize just how different their childhood has been from our own. The pace of change has been accelerating at breakneck speed over our lifetimes. This is a new thing! Comparatively, the pace of change from one generation to the next even just a few decades ago was almost negligible. What an interesting time in human history to be living! But it also means that the passing down of generational experience is more about bigger picture human issues, like empathy and morality, than any day-to-day advice to “do this and get that outcome.” The nuts and bolts of our stories are often no longer applicable because the world is changing so rapidly.

For example, even mainstream society is starting to question the typical counsel to “go to college and get a good job at a big company.” That was the conventional definition of success in the industrial age, and even deeply into the information age, but we are swiftly moving beyond that now. That advice, so adamantly passed on to us by our parents, has become hopelessly out-of-date as our teens move into the adult world.

3. We don’t presume we know better than they how they experience their lives

This can be a hard one too. We have more life experience. We remember a time when they were young children and totally dependent on us and we came through for them—here they are! Yet we can also acknowledge that we don’t always know what they are thinking and feeling, how they are experiencing and interpreting the day-to-day moments of their lives. Sure, maybe we really enjoyed camping at the lake as a family over the last long weekend, but that doesn’t mean they did. And they are not “wrong” to have disliked it. Different personalities and outlooks are just that: different, not wrong.

As I said, none of this is intended to suggest disengagement—that we don’t share our experiences, or that we leave them alone to figure out their own lives. What I hope people get out of this discussion is inspiration to listen to teens: they have intelligent information and insights about their own lives to share! Don’t discount what they say just because it’s different from your thoughts and perspective. Again, it’s different, not wrong. Instead, if you try to connect what they’re saying with what you already know, you just might create a bigger picture of the world for yourself. You’re learning too. Which leads to …

4. We don’t assume that, as parents, we’re always right

This seems to be at the crux of so much parent-teen conflict. At some point, teens are ready for more responsibility, more independence, more freedom. Yet so often parents are determined to keep them in that conventional childhood box as long as possible, the box where parents are right and their children need to do what they’re told.

With this new perspective—that their childhood environment is radically different than ours, that they are experiencing life in their own unique ways, and that our expectations are entangled with our life experiences—it is presumptuous of us to believe that our worldview will fit neatly into their lives. What was right for us (or what we imagine would have been right for us), may not be right for them.

Which leads us back to where we started:

5. Teens are people too

Just because they are our children, they are not our possessions. They are people. And just because they are our progeny, doesn’t mean we intimately understand them. We need to get to know them. And be open so that they get to know us. Build lasting relationships. And from there we have lasting impact on each others’ lives. My kids have inspired me countless times! I have learned things from them that have made me a better person. We continue to learn from each other.

From childhood, through the teen years, and beyond, everyone wins with strong, connected, respectful relationships.

Filed Under: Parenting, Relationships, Unschooling Tagged With: Jun 2013, relationships

Comments

  1. Amanda says

    June 13, 2013 at 4:39 pm

    Thank you do much for this!

    Reply
    • Pam Laricchia says

      June 13, 2013 at 10:27 pm

      You’re very welcome, Amanda! 🙂

      Reply
    • Elena Raiti says

      July 17, 2020 at 5:41 am

      I absolutely love that someone thinks like I do. I felt such relief reading your words. Thankyou from the bottom of my heart.
      I have allowed my daughter to have her own opinion and thoughts on life since she was a toddler . I guide but never coerse. I listen carefully and let her develop her own thoughts and ambitions without Interference.
      At 13 , she has a strong sense of self and firm opinions and beliefs which I respect.
      My friends think I’m crazy but absolutely everyone that meets my child comments on what a kind , empathetic, thoughtful person she is..
      I’m proud to be her mum and so grateful that I was able to take a step back and let her become her true self .
      I’m truly blessed . Thankyou

      Reply
      • Pam Laricchia says

        July 19, 2020 at 1:54 pm

        Lovely, Elena!! ?

        Reply
  2. Georgia Marchant says

    June 14, 2013 at 4:16 pm

    This is so true. And I do see the irony of wishing I’d known this when my kids were teens. It applies, of course to our relationship with our adult offspring as well. Thank you for reminding me that we are each our own selves and that we are always learning.

    Reply
    • Pam Laricchia says

      June 16, 2013 at 12:53 am

      You’re welcome, Georgia. And you’re right, it really does apply to relationships across the ages.

      Reply
  3. Susan L. says

    June 15, 2013 at 5:04 pm

    Thank you for your articles, especially those about teens. While we have always raised our son a bit unconventionally, we only started home-schooling/unschooling when he was 13. It has been two years now, and it has been an amazing journey. We are walking by faith, often filled with self-doubt (especially since our life look so much different than the lives of others–and how hard it is not to compare!), but we can’t deny the blessings that have already been reaped.

    I know we are on the right path, but your advice and counsel are invaluable, and seem to come just when I need them the most. Thank you.

    Reply
    • Pam Laricchia says

      June 16, 2013 at 12:56 am

      You’re very welcome, Susan. Best of luck to you and your family! 🙂

      Reply
  4. Marina Moses says

    January 1, 2014 at 2:03 pm

    Thank you!!!!!!
    I am blessed to read your words. Though my kids have homeschooled, my youngest (14) has led the way to unschooling since he was 2! His personality seems to demand it. Unfortunately, it took me many years to catch up and this is my first year of truly learning to shift our relationship to an even more unconventional one than it has been! It can be uncomfortable at times but I’m a learner!
    Again, thank you!!!

    Reply
    • Pam Laricchia says

      January 1, 2014 at 2:16 pm

      You’re welcome, Marina! You’re right, shifting our relationships can feel uncomfortable, but it’s definitely worth the effort. 🙂

      Reply
  5. Lainie says

    June 25, 2015 at 2:45 pm

    Beautiful. Simply beautiful.
    Yes. And might I add and another consideration for parents of teens to take note of? Knowing that they teens have different needs in regards to their sleep patterns is so important to respect.
    Thank you for this article, shared and liked!

    Reply
    • Pam Laricchia says

      June 25, 2015 at 2:50 pm

      Thanks, Lainie!

      The sleep thing can catch people up, can’t it? You’re right, it’s so important to respect. 🙂

      Take care!

      Reply
  6. Kate says

    June 26, 2015 at 8:37 pm

    Nice article with some good points thanks. I love(d) time with my three young adult sons now and when they were teens and look forward to the next two entering adolescence. But one thing that does strike me is the reference to “unschoolers do X.” One of the joyful aspects of unschooling is that each family makes its own journey and how those relationships look varies vastly. There are many paths to positive growth of our young and while there are some similarities in the those who unschool, I think there are more differences than with mainstream families. Unschoolers are not easy to group:)

    Reply
    • Pam Laricchia says

      June 28, 2015 at 8:50 am

      So true, Kate!

      I think these five basic but unconventional relationship ideas are pretty fundamental to maintaining strong and connected relationships with our teens, and into adulthood. Yet, as you say, how they play out individually in unschooling families can definitely look very different! I love your point that you see a greater variety between unschooling families than more conventional families—that’s my experience as well.

      I was recently at a wonderful unschooling gathering where relationship interactions varied widely among the different families, yet at the heart of it all was a deep respect for the children. 🙂

      Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

The Living Joyfully Network community

The Living Joyfully Network

The Living Joyfully Network is an online community for parents worldwide to explore unschooling with other like-minded parents who are also choosing to embrace lifelong learning and develop strong and connected relationships with their children. We invite you to join our candid and wide-ranging conversations about living and learning through the lens of unschooling!

Learn more about the Network here!

free intro to unschooling ebook

Click the book cover to get the book from your favourite online retailer, or click the link below to join my mailing list and download the book directly!

What is Unschooling? A book about living and learning without school.

Exploring Unschooling Podcast

click to listen to the archive of all Exploring Unschooling podcast episodes

Choosing to live and learn without school isn’t as intimidating as you might imagine!

The podcast archive is now home to more than 300 episodes, filled with unschooling goodness.

support the podcast on Patreon

Have you read my books?

Free-to-Learn-Cover Free-to-Live-Cover Life-Through-the-Lens-of-Unschooling-Cover Living-Joyfully-with-Unschooling-Box-Set-Cover The Unschooling Journey Libre d'Apprendre cover Libre para Aprender cover Szabadon Tanulni cover

Journey with us to a new way of seeing your child

icon-logo

Join Anne Ohman, Anna Brown, and I in our online Summit where we share the experiences, insights, and tools that we found most helpful on our unschooling journeys. We will walk with you from where you are now, to where you want to be.

Looking for something?

I've been exploring unschooling for many years now and there's a lot of content here! I've been working to tag things to help you more easily find information about the questions you're curious about right now. I'll continue to work on this.

Click a topic to explore:

college

dads

deschooling

food

grown unschoolers

learning

life

math

reading

relationships

relatives

technology

teens

work

Welcome to Living Joyfully

Pam ... an online resource for parents who are curious about unschooling. If you're passionate about exploring the world with your children, this site is for you. I'm Pam Laricchia, the author and owner of this site. Thanks for inviting me along on your unschooling journey!

The Living Joyfully Network

The Living Joyfully Network is an online community for parents worldwide to explore unschooling with other like-minded parents who are also choosing to embrace lifelong learning and develop strong and connected relationships with their children.

Learn more and join us here!

SEARCH LIVING JOYFULLY

Living Joyfully participates in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program and the iTunes Affiliate Program. This allows me to earn a small commission, at no cost to you. I appreciate your support!

Read my Privacy Policy and Cookie Policy.

Copyright © 2023 · Living Joyfully Enterprises

By using this website, you agree to the use of cookies. I use cookies to provide you with a great experience and to help my website run effectively. OK READ MORE
Privacy & Cookies Policy

Privacy Overview

This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Out of these, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. But opting out of some of these cookies may affect your browsing experience.
Necessary
Always Enabled
Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website. These cookies do not store any personal information.
Non-necessary
Any cookies that may not be particularly necessary for the website to function and is used specifically to collect user personal data via analytics, ads, other embedded contents are termed as non-necessary cookies. It is mandatory to procure user consent prior to running these cookies on your website.
SAVE & ACCEPT