This post is part of a series delving into “Mainstream Mantras,” peeling back the layers to discover where they go awry.
Before we dive in, let’s take a moment to look at the phrase “screen time.” It lumps together devices that involve a visual interface: TVs, video games, computers, cell phones, e-readers, tablets etc. Yet we use them to do so many diverse things, from entertainment to communication to learning, that to lump them altogether as “screens” seems thoughtless and demeaning.
If we want to categorize them, I think “technology” would work better. Technology is fast becoming ubiquitous in our lives, yet it’s still all so new. I’ve seen the advent of all these personal devices in my lifetime (okay, not black and white TV, that was a bit before my time, but I remember our first colour television set). That’s a lot of change in a handful of decades.
“Zoning out”
As the longest lived in the group. let’s talk about TV. You’ve probably heard parents worriedly discuss how their children “zone out” when they watch TV. And they aren’t wrong—it’s probably what they see happening in front of them. Yet, that behaviour is not what I, nor other unschoolers, typically see when our children watch TV. Why the discrepancy? I imagine that it’s because this “zoning out” behaviour isn’t caused by watching TV, but is the result of other things in their lives that lead them to use TV as a tool to de-stress.
It’s hard for conventional parents to imagine that the TV experience might be so different for unschooling families just because our lifestyles are different. Yet unschooling parents are explicitly working to set up a home and learning environment with minimal stress. As a result, unschooling children aren’t usually watching TV to escape or relax, they are most often watching with purpose. They are actively engaged—they don’t look like “zombies”.
One of the reasons for that is that unschooling children choose when and what they watch. They aren’t watching because they’re allowed an hour between five and six pm so by golly they’ll use that hour to watch whatever they can find. They are watching because there is something they want to watch. Maybe they’re paying rapt attention. Maybe they are asking questions. Maybe they are pausing and looking things up. Their parents are often with them—answering questions, laughing at the jokes, sharing observations, and looking things up themselves. That doesn’t mean unschooling children never watch TV to relax, to process experiences in a comforting environment—that’s wonderfully okay too. But those experiences are transitory, not the norm.
Learning About Themselves
I think what this notion of limiting screen time really boils down to is parents wanting to help their children figure out how to weave into their lives the multitude of choices we have available today for how we use our time.
And that’s a wonderful idea—understanding ourselves and our activity choices is a key piece of life’s puzzle. But to try to accomplish that through rules and limits isn’t really about helping them learn about themselves; it’s about expecting them to adhere to someone else’s ideal of who they should be.
Unschooling parents are choosing to support their children as they learn about themselves. And as part of that, unschooling parents realize that the frequency, duration, and variety of activities that feels good for each of us, is unique to each of us. So without rules to fall back on, how do unschooling parents help their children discover what that might look like for them? By supporting their exploration.
Those experiences will include lots of times when their children choose and enjoy activities, and then move on. They will also include times when their children notice they’re feeling uncomfortable, and from there, times when they choose to stay uncomfortable and keep going with the activity, and times when they choose to shift to something else.
Unschooling parents notice these moments and help their children process and learn from those experiences—we don’t leave them to figure it all out on their own. How did it feel? What was the goal? What was the cost? When did you notice things were getting out-of-sorts?
Balance as Steadiness
I don’t really like to call this process finding balance because most people tend to focus on the definition of “equal distribution; state of equilibrium”, rather than the one of “mental steadiness or emotional stability.” It’s that focus on the equal distribution of activities that leads to timing things and creating limits: “You’ve watched TV for an hour, now go outside and play.” Balance isn’t necessarily about equality.
I think it’s more useful to focus on the idea of steadiness and stability—the activities themselves don’t matter much, it’s their impact on the person doing them. This perspective helps us focus on our children’s understanding of themselves, on their exploration of the kinds of activities, and how much of them, they enjoy and that contribute to their feeling steady and whole and comfortable.
Through experience, they learn how their activity choices depend on both the situation at hand and how they’re feeling in the moment. They discover the clues their body and mind are giving them that signal that a change of activity would be welcome. When we limit things for others, they get little opportunity to hear those signals.
How We Can Help
The really interesting thing is that parents are also figuring out how to weave technology into their lives alongside their children—it’s new to us too! Here’s a tip: don’t berate yourself if, in hindsight, you wish you had made a different choice—shame and guilt aren’t great motivators for anyone, so they don’t make great examples for your children.
Instead, share observations: “Wow, I just noticed the time, I ended up on the computer longer than I planned.” Share what you observe in yourself. How that might differ from your goals. The ways you try to bring your goals and your activities into alignment. How your goals may shift as you gain experience.
None of this sharing needs to be done in long, protracted conversations, though sometimes that might happen too. Maybe they’ll ask a question. Maybe they’ll share an idea for you. Maybe they’ll share their experiences. When they are interested, engage in discussions with them about it all.
Another thing to consider is making other activities available and inviting. If your children are getting tired of their current activity, electronic or otherwise, but don’t see other choices, they may stay where they are, getting increasingly uncomfortable, both physically and emotionally. If you notice this might be the case, again, share your observations. Short and sweet and matter-of-factly. Not judgmentally. Offer up a board game, a walk around the block, a fresh batch of play-doh, a trip to the park. But don’t be upset if they say “no thanks.” Remember, you don’t know for sure what they’re thinking, what they’re exploring. What you want to do is help them see the other choices available, so they remember they’re making a choice.
Though it’s more time-consuming than setting up rules, helping our children get to know themselves to this depth is an important aspect of unschooling. Support them as they explore the ways that activities impact their physical and emotional well-being, in both positive and negative ways. Encourage them as they gain experience with making choices, discovering the clues that guide them in making choices that help them feel steady and whole and comfortable.
Unschooling is about supporting all the learning that goes into being human.
Wow, Pam! What a great article! I LOVE your blog and your books and this piece is one of the best pieces ever written on limiting technology or not. Please keep writing, it is so helpful to share our unschooling lifestyle with others who have a hard time understanding.
Thanks, Catherine! I’m glad you enjoyed it. 🙂
wow, thanks for that perspective. my daughter is 3.5 and i feel like i really need to limit her screen time at this young age, as they take in anything they see. I’m curious are you speaking of a certain age with this blog? Like with food, my daughter wood mostly things with sugar, because our brain is programmed to desire sweets, fats, and salts. So I feel it’s my job whilst she is young to keep junk foods and media away from her, so she can build a healthy palate, before allowing her to explore junk foods and their consequences. She hardly puts her cranky mood together with she’s hungry, let alone that she would put a stomach ache or feeling ucky from too much sugar. I hope in these few sentences i’m making sense?? Maybe you have already written a post about this and i just have not read it. Thanks!!!
Hey Heidi,
Yes, I think I understand what you’re getting at. 🙂
And no, I’m not speaking of a particular age, but you raise an interesting point. I think the key is when the child is interested. I have written a post that I think speaks to your concerns: Unschooling With Strong Beliefs.
🙂
We struggle with this. Making the switch from public school this year, I hope by showering them with read-alouds, art supplies, etc….would tame the screen beast. I have noticed how my oldest used it to decompress after school for years. Now that we are homeschooling, I realize it is a long road unlearning that behavior.
Hi Michele,
I think it might help to not think of it as trying to unlearn that behaviour (watching TV to decompress), but with an eye to understanding it better. I don’t think that read-alouds or art supplies are inherently “better” than TV. They are all interesting pieces of the world. 🙂
I appreciate the distinction between screen time to zone out versus with the purpose of learning actively.
Thanks, Stephanie. Watching them in action really makes a difference, doesn’t it. 🙂
Ok so I’m new to this whole unschooling and child-led parenting type thing.
Are you saying to just let them play with whatever it is (technological or not) until they decide to move on to something different? Of course offering up other activities as well. What if he would sit in front of the computer all day long?
Hi Jessica,
Welcome to the world of unschooling! I personally don’t use the term “child-led” because it seems to imply less parental involvement than I’m imagining is helpful for unschooling. I like to think of unschooling more as a team effort than being parent or child led.
As for sitting in front of the computer all day, I like your idea of offering up other activities instead of just leaving him alone, but I’d go a step further and be actively involved with him while he’s on the computer.
Here are some ideas to show what I mean. I’d bring him drinks and snacks, “I thought you might be getting hungry,” showing him through your actions that that hunger is something important to pay attention to.
I’d watch whatever he’s doing and celebrate or commiserate with him, showing him that I care about him and what makes him happy and that I’m there to help him discover ways to deal with frustration (if he’s playing games etc). By watching I’d also learn what he enjoys so I can bring more of that into his life, maybe through other websites or PC games, and also through other activities.
For example, if he likes puzzle games I might surprise him with a puzzle to put together at the table, or a book of similar puzzles to play with when he’s not at the computer (bed time, in the car etc). If he likes a certain PC game maybe there’s a related book or movie or board game you could enjoy together. Online you can often find related crafts for popular games etc. Let your imagination wander!
Instead of looking at the clock to see how much time he’s spending on a particular activity, pay attention to what he’s enjoying about the activity. I know when I first did that, I was amazed at all the different things my son was doing and learning when I thought he was “just playing video games all day.” 🙂
Have fun!!
I like your take on this. It can be difficult for parents to get on the side of their children as actively as you suggest and I’m not sure it would work for everyone, but taking the moral tone out of screen time limits can’t be a bad thing, eh?
I am researching unschooling and screen time. I use a relaxed homeschool approach with mine but I am meeting many parents who are whole-life unschoolers, insisting that all children should have all the time they want with screens. My friend with a three year old tells me her child stays up all night doing video games like their siblings- but she can’t sleep- and her child is sleeping a total of 6 hours in 24 and is a “wreck”. She is more interested in defending unlimited screen time than solving the problem she says she has. All the unschoolers (6 families) tell me how their children learned to read using video games…but then tell me none of the children (up to age 17) have ever actually read a book. I guess I don’t understand. Mine have access to screens but would rather be out playing with friends, reading a book or playing with legos than youtube, video games or Netflix. What is it about screentime that unschoolers like?
Hi Susan,
I don’t think your friend’s challenge with her daughter’s sleep pattern is really about playing videos games, there’s likely more at the root of it. And lots more ways to move through the situation than just saying yes or no to video games.
As for reading stuff in the world and reading a book, it’s all reading. I don’t value reading a book over everything else. They are *choosing* what they want to read, that’s more important. My older son prefers to listen to audiobooks rather than reading pages, and that’s okay too.
I think that the phrase “screen time” does a disservice to the variety and value of engaging with different technologies. I love this piece written by Roxana Sorooshian about how we look at “screen time”: Roxana on Screentime.
For me, the root of it is having the choice. If they want to watch tv or play video games or chat online etc, that is what they are interested in, in that moment. That does not preclude choosing to be out playing with friends, or reading a book or playing with Legos in the next. When they have lots of choices available for engaging with the world, whichever they choose in the moment is where the most enjoyment, and the best learning, lies.
Here’s a blog post I wrote about some of the things unschoolers like about tv and video games: Unschooling Days: Inside the Nest.
There’s also a companion post about days outside in the world as well. 🙂
Hi!I am very new to unschool, I’ve been experimenting with unlimited technology, but finding how uncomfortable I am with it a lot of the time! I know I have much to learn about myself and the process. I notice that my 5 yr old tends to have a negative and very unkind attitude towards the rest of the family after long stretches of watching a certain reality type show. This is so different than long stretches on other shows/games he likes, (that I like for him). Any ideas of how to approach this? My impulse has been to talk with him about what I observe and why it’s disconcerting, but I don’t know where to go from there. I do suggest that he keep that in mind if he’s choosing that show but it feels easier to just tell him he can’t watch that show. I feel caught between two mindsets.
Hi Sara!
It’s great that you’re open to changing things up around technology, and that you realize a lot of the journey is going to be about you. 🙂
Reading your comment, I have a couple of ideas.
First is to give it some time. For the next while, you’ll continue to learn about unschooling, about the reasons behind not artificially limiting things, about your child and how he ticks, and about yourself. You may find the podcast Q&A episodes helpful as we’ve talked about similar questions, plus, if you click on the “technology” link in the right sidebar, it will bring up the tagged content on my website. That growing understanding will help you as you navigate things with your son.
And second, you mentioned sharing your observations and concerns with your son. I would try to take that one step further and see what he thinks. When things relaxed, maybe mention a recent time when he was being unkind and ask him why he thinks he was feeling that way. Leave space for him to think and share. I understand he’s young, but often they have interesting insights to share. Why was he feeling grumpy? How would he like you to help him when that happens? Engage with him around the issue, rather than just talking to him about it. Work together as a team. See what’s happening through his eyes. You may well discover new ways you guys can work together—there are often many more paths than just yes or no. 🙂
Oh! And try to spend more time with him, especially when he’s watching that particular show. Watch him. Talk with him. What does he laugh at? What does he find interesting? What might he be finding challenging that’s maybe knocking him a bit off-kilter? Maybe if you can help him process that, you’ll find he’s no longer out of sorts after he watches.
Again, so many possibilities!