Looking back over our years of unschooling, another big change I’ve seen is that my perspective as a parent has broadened beyond “childhood” to “life”. I no longer see childhood as focused on “learning everything you need to know to become an adult,” with my purpose being to “graduate” them into adulthood.
I think this shift started when I began pondering the purpose of curriculum, actually. From asking myself many questions about why children “should” learn certain things at certain ages. From thinking about the things I learned at school, the messages I was given about the things I was learning, and my own experience with what I have found truly useful as an adult.
Some of the thoughts that bubbled up along the way:
- there isn’t a discrete set of knowledge and skills that everyone must have;
- the discrete set of knowledge and skills that is helpful for people to interact comfortably with their own communities, varies by community (both cultural communities and those gathered around interests), and includes a subset of the typical school curriculum and much beyond it;
- without the overlay of others’ expectations, children want to participate in the world around them as much as they are able, and the motivation to learn the knowledge and skills to do so grows organically alongside: to the level that they want to participate in the world around them, they want to do so successfully (as judged by themselves); which leads us to
- any piece of knowledge or skill worth having is worth learning when that value is discovered—and bonus, that knowledge or skill is better understood, and often more easily learned, at that time i.e. when the learner has discovered a need for it, when they have discovered a missing piece in their puzzle of the world, and they want to fill it (great internal motivation); and
- giving everyone a generalized and basic picture of the world sounds good when looking from the 10k foot level at society in general, but it doesn’t translate well down to the individual—the individual has their own unique life to live and much of that general information may not be relevant or useful to them.
It’s so easy to tell ourselves that there’s no real harm in insisting a child learn something that’s not useful to them. It can’t hurt, right? Well first off, they’ll probably forget it soon after, so it’s not really learned. Not to mention that their time is wasted and could be put to better use learning things that interests them and are useful to them today. But what they pick up long-term through the endless repetition of “learn this, you’ll need to know it some day,” can be harmful: they learn to not trust themselves, to not trust their own judgment. They learn that others know better than they do what’s important for them. They learn to be followers; they feel safer looking for someone else to tell them what they “should” know, to tell them what the “right” thing to do is, rather than thinking for themselves.
That seems like quite a bit of harm being done in the name of “some day.” Why can’t they learn “it”, whatever it is, when “some day” actually comes? If it ever comes (and if it doesn’t, then they never did encounter a use for it). They can. If you don’t ingrain in them the idea that they need to learn “everything” in childhood in order to “graduate” into adulthood, they will be open to learning new things whenever the interest or need arises, whatever their age. Keeping my frame of reference for learning firmly focused on “lifetime” rather than “childhood” has helped my children develop an approach to learning that will be useful to them both today and throughout their lifetime.
Over the years this perspective has been so helpful, time and again. I see the learning my young adult children are continuing to do. I see the learning I am continuing to do. Our learning is better understood and remembered when we’re actively pursuing the information or skill: when we’re interested. And we have a lifetime to learn things.
Childhood is not preparation for life, it’s an integral part of it. 🙂
mary smith says
Hi Pam
I came across your site and read ‘Freedom to Live’ today and would like to say what a wonderful support, clarification and inspiration your writing has been as I grow into a shift in how I see and experience parenting. What struck me most is how relevant it is to creating a true and authentic relationship with yourself and your children, whether or not you are unschooling. I have two preschool children and am waking up from the constant underlying anxieties I was labouring under about being a good enough parent, having little trust in myself and consequently in my children. This has been manifesting in stress, anger, and a feeling of helplessness which was of course what I was passing on. I don’t know yet whether unschooling will be what works for our family, but thank you so much for your wisdom about creating an environment of curiosity, patience and TRUST, in yourself, in your children and in life itself. It is something that has touched me deeply
Blessings to you!
Mary
Pam Laricchia says
Hi Mary! I’m happy you’ve found my writing helpful. And yes, it’s so interesting to see how it really all boils down to the relationships we develop with our children.
Thank you for taking the time to understand unschooling as you explore what works for your family. 🙂
Take care,
Pam
Monica says
I love reading your blog! I am working my way through your articles (I’m on #27). I lean towards unschooling ideology, but hesitate to pull my girls out of school (it is an arts immersion charter school, the only one in Calgary) because the school has a two year wait list, so I cannot just put them back in school if unschooling doesn’t work out and if it weren’t for that school, I would have homeschooled my girls. So, I’m trying to unschool the rest of their lives, if that makes sense or is even possible.
On to my question…
I am Chinese and have spoken Cantonese to my two (8 y.o., 4y.o.) since they were babies because I want them to grow up bilingual and believe it is so easy and natural for young children to pick up a second language effortlessly. (Cantonese has 9 tones and is very hard to pick up when you are an adult, as apposed to Mandarin Chinese, which has 4 and westerners can learn it with relative ease) I am not totally fluent as I have lived in Canada since I was 6 and basically refused to speak to my parents in Cantonese after 7, though they continued to speak to me in Cantonese during my childhood. Also, my husband is English and does not speak any Cantonese and is home in the daytime, so as the years have gone by, I slip into English more and more as my resolve to have them grow up bilingual has waned because I find it difficult to express more than basic needs to them in Chinese which was sufficient when they were younger, but as they have grown is insufficient to go into more complex ideas. my two have started saying they don’t understand it and ask me not to speak in Chinese. My siblings and I usually converse in English and even my parents speak to the girls in English sometimes. I don’t insist that the girls speak Cantonese. Should I stop altogether, out of respect for their wishes?
I am torn on this issue. I happily let one stop violin lessons. I let them eat “too much sweets” and have “too much screen time”, but this, I am torn. Part of my desire for them to learn Cantonese is for them to retain their Chinese heritage; part of it is for future career prospects ( it would be easy to pick up Mandarin, if they know Cantonese) – a second language opens many doors; and perhaps a tiny part of it is to be seen as a “good parent”.
Your thoughts would be greatly appreciated!
Pam Laricchia says
Hi Monica,
Glad you’re enjoying the blog. 🙂
I love how much thought you’ve put into this question! You seem to have gotten to the roots of your desire to push this longer than, say, violin lessons. So how about digging a bit deeper into the three things you found?
For example, retaining their Chinese heritage. Brainstorm all sorts of ways that you might support their exploration of their heritage—language is one; what are others? Ask yourself if the age at which they choose to explore their heritage is really all that important? Is it more valuable that they explore it when it is meaningful to them? It seems like the only age-related consideration is that it’s harder to learn when they’re older—but it’s also harder to learn when you’re not interested. Neither is impossible, but what kind of learning environment are you interested in cultivating? With unschooling, the idea is that great learning happens when we are actively engaged and interested in the activity. Yet in the situation you describe, they aren’t interested. And it seems that the more you push, the more resistant they may become. If your goal is to keep the possibility open for them to be interested in learning the language some day, the pushing seems counter-productive. If you can find other ways they may be interested in exploring their heritage (if that is your ultimate goal) you keep the possibilities open and fun, rather than pushing them away.
As for the “a second language opens many doors” perspective, it can help to consider how our vision of the “perfect” child—in this case, bilingual—can get in the way of seeing, appreciating, and supporting the wonderful real child we have in front of us. It’s in the same vein that “great marks open many doors,” or “a college degree opens many doors.” Over the years your children will discover the unique and wonderful things about themselves that make them shine and that will also open many doors—even better, the doors that they will personally be interested in opening. Our assumptions about what those may be will mostly just get in their way.
And I love that you mentioned being seen as a “good parent.” That is often something we need to work through as we move to unschooling. We see our children living and learning wonderfully with unschooling, yet often there aren’t a lot of things we can hold out to others to “prove” our children, and by extension us as parents, are doing well. It can definitely be work to get past that need for approval—that’s what we’ve grown up being told is important, approval from others—and be comfortable with our own choices, in a sense validating ourselves, but it’s worth the effort. 🙂
So those are some thoughts I had as I read your comment, Monica. I hope you find something helpful in there!