It’s one thing to get comfortable with unschooling in your own home, but it can be a whole ’nother kettle of fish to bring that learning mindset with you out into the world.
For example, is your child interested in taking a class or joining an organized activity? Swimming lessons? Ballet? Hockey? If you’re newer to unschooling, you may want to consider avoiding structured activities for now, as they can interfere with your deschooling (you can read more about that here: Do classes hinder deschooling?), but if your child is interested, let’s talk about some of the ways you can support their learning and enjoyment.
The first question is, is your child interested in pursuing their interest through an organized activity? For example, there’s a difference between being interested in hockey and wanting to play hockey. As a child I enjoyed watching hockey (live and on TV), I enjoyed playing street hockey, and one season I enjoyed keeping my own stats for my favourite NHL team—but I was never interested in playing organized hockey (and my dad coached a girl’s hockey team for a few years so it was definitely on my radar). Just because your child expresses an interest in something, that doesn’t necessarily mean they want to formally participate in it, so it can help to take a moment to consider the many possible ways to pursue an interest in something.
Finding a good match …
The typical response when a child asks to join an activity, assuming the parents agree, is for a parent to find the closest location and sign them up. End of story. From there, the child is expected to do the work to fit into the environment so they can participate/learn.
For unschooling parents, our foremost focus is on supporting our children’s learning so, instead of expecting our children to adapt, we are willing to do the work to search out an environment that meshes well with how our children like to learn. Understanding that the atmosphere surrounding many activities is dictated by the individual adults who run them, we look for a good fit between the group’s atmosphere and the child’s personality and goals.
Let’s take ballet as an example: some schools are focused on their students participating in dance competitions; some on putting together a big year-end recital; some on progressing students through formal dance examinations; some on the recreational enjoyment of dance etc. Or how about karate: some dojos focus on attendance and progress their students through the belts based time invested; some focus on skill development and progress their students based on proficiency displayed; some dojos insist their students compete in certain tournaments; some avoid them altogether etc. What are your child’s goals?
And on top of the approach to the activity itself, there’s also the teaching methods and personalities of the teachers/coaches. Do they demand obedience and cultivate a strict, hierarchical environment? Do they encourage questions and cultivate a supportive atmosphere? Are they somewhere in between? The knowledge and skills of the instructors being relatively equal, there is still a wide range of possible learning environments—some your child may fit into like a glove while others may turn them off the activity for years to come. If your goal is to help them explore their interest, your best bet is to help them find the studio/dojo/group/league that is a good match for their personality.
What has that looked like over the years for us? With my daughter, when we moved, I continued to drive her to her girl guide group meetings in our old community because she had a great connection with the leader (an hour each way). The next year the leader changed and she tried out meetings with a couple groups in our new community before finding one that suited her. When my youngest wanted to try karate, I called some of the different dojos around that we could try. And I talked about it with him in those terms: this dojo seems like a good fit so let’s try it out, see if you like it, and if you don’t there are others you can check out.
Instead of choosing a location by geography and expecting your child to conform, take the time to explore the options and try to find one that is a great fit for your child.
Getting ready to go …
Participating in an activity likely means a fixed time for lessons or practice or games. This can be challenging, especially for younger children who may have a harder time transitioning to leave if they get caught up in something at home. On top of that, it can also be challenging for newer unschooling parents because they may feel like they are coercing their child to leave. What do they do if their child says they don’t want to go this week?
If going to an activity is becoming a struggle, take a moment to look at how you’re setting it up. If you find yourself saying something like “It’s Wednesday, your karate class is today, are you going to go this week?” take a moment to rethink that. By asking your child each week whether they want to go to class, you’re basically asking them to revisit their decision each time. That’s a lot of work, especially for younger children.
In my experience, it’s easier to assume your child wants to go (they wanted to sign up in the first place) and do your best to help them get there: make it as painless as possible for them. “Your karate class is today! I have your gi clean and I put your bo by the front door. We’ll get changed and leave right after dinner.” By bringing it up during the day you have time for conversations without the added pressure of trying to get out the door. And by making sure all the supporting things are in place so that your child can just go to the activity (clean outfits/uniforms, working and available equipment, transportation and timing etc), then they can focus on the activity itself. Are they enjoying it? That is the real question.
Choosing to quit …
When our children express an interest in an activity it can be easy for us parents to get caught up in the idea that “maybe they’ll grow up to do this for a living!” We want to encourage them to continue. We’re afraid that if they quit they’ll “get behind” and the opportunity to develop their interest into a career will be lost. At age eight.
There are a couple of things to consider here. First, if it’s not catching their interest so much that they are excitedly dedicating many hours to it on their own, then the chances of a professional career are slim. Certainly the chances of enjoying a professional career are slim. Second, quitting is not a forever decision. My daughter took a couple years of dance lessons when she was young, quit, and went back for a year when she was sixteen. She really enjoyed it! When you’re doing things for enjoyment, there is no “behind”, there is just where you are. At the dojo there are white belts of all ages. There are adult beginner ballet classes, there are adult recreational hockey leagues, and there are public swimming times where people of all ages and abilities can enjoy the water.
Or maybe we’re worried that our children wanting to quit means they will always give up when things get challenging. First off, challenges that aren’t motivating and inspiring for your child are probably not the right kinds of challenges. Great to know! But also, the choices they make today don’t define all the choices they will make in the future. The choices they make today are helping them gain experience with making choices.
Over the years they will gain lots of experience with wanting to try something, with choosing ways to try it out, and with seeing how well those paths met their goals. They will discover things they enjoy and things they don’t, and get a better feel for the clues that help them decide when to step up their game and when to quit something.
And even after they choose to quit something (for now, at least) they’re still learning. How does that choice feel? Do they miss the activity? How much? What do they miss about it? What are they doing with the time that quitting freed up? Are they enjoying that more than the activity? Less? So much learning!
Or maybe we’re upset about the money we invested in the lessons that we may not be able to get back. Think about it this way: the more you insist your child continue in the activity after they’ve decided they don’t like it, the stronger their resistance to the activity will likely grow.
If you’ve paid $100 for a series of rec ballet lessons and they’re only half finished, might you consider that last $50 as an investment in preserving their enjoyment of dance? If they don’t enjoy the lesson environment, try the myriad other ways there are to enjoy and explore dance: put on some classical music and dance around the room; try a different style of music and see what happens; borrow ballet books and DVDs of dance performances from the library; help them try out what they see; buy some costumes or a tutu so they can dress up; record their performances at home so they can see themselves; go see a ballet in a fancy theatre (The Nutcracker is beautiful and fun for kids, and often performed around Christmas); in the spring, check your local dance schools for their student recitals (tickets are usually inexpensive). Remember, formal lessons aren’t the only way to enjoy many activities.
Supporting your children’s exploration of activities outside the home by doing your best to set them up for success goes a long way to helping them discover their unique interests and passions.
And that’s a great path to living joyfully. 🙂
I just had to leave a comment to say that this is the best overall presentation of this topic that I have read! Thanks for all the work and thought you put into your blog posts.
Thank you, Nancy! 🙂
Thank you, Pam, this post really speaks to me and where we are at as new unschooling parents. My kids are very young, and we have intended to unschool from the beginning. Still, my husband and I continue to need deschooling. My oldest is 6. He rarely wants to leave the house, loves Legos, video games, TV shows and fantasy play with good guys and bad guys. He is also very adept at bike riding, swimming, ocean play, and learning new physical skills. I support his love of games and shows, we battle together, I watch him play video games and watch his favorite shows, I research with him when he gets stuck in a video game. And, I am an outdoor lover, and see that he “could” do so much fun, physical, outdoor stuff, but he never chooses it himself. We do the things you suggested for transitions, but my main concern for him is finding the line between trusting and waiting, or putting him in situations without asking permission first. He has quit Tae Kwon Do, which he really loved for a while, and now wants to quit swimming lessons. We are signed up for weekly free swim with friends, but I am struggling to let go of the lessons, because we want to do a lot of ocean/water based activity. The place where I am at now is that I will go do the fun, physical, outdoor stuff, with whomever wants to join me, and the money we save on lessons could go to someone staying with him in that time. But is this selfish? Punitive? Reasonable?
Happy New Year!
Hi Cristen,
I’m happy it got you thinking—this is a great question! And I love that you put “could” in quotes, because you see that those thoughts are about your expectations, not about your son. 🙂
The first thing that jumped out at me was how you kept putting “fun” in front “physical, outdoor stuff.” I can tell from what you wrote that you love outdoor activities. And that’s great! But it’s important to realize that your children are different people. You can hope that they like the same things you do, maybe even be a bit disappointed if they don’t, but the challenges come when you value what you like more than what they like. And I think that’s why you’re feeling uncomfortable right now, because what you are considering is feeling manipulative to you. That’s a good clue that there’s more to consider.
If you want to think about it in terms of money for a moment, I’d be inclined to think of the money you might spend to have someone stay with your son as coming out of the “pot” of money you spend to pursue your interests i.e. outdoor activities. It’s a cost of going out. That means if you were happy to spend $X on lessons to support your son in enjoying an activity, and lessons aren’t his cup of tea right now, you could take that $X and spend it to help him pursue his interests in ways that he does enjoy. Granted, you could look at it like that $X allows him to stay home and pursue his interests there, so it’s not cut and dried. But the fact that you’re feeling uncomfortable probably means that it seems more like the former than the latter to you.
From what you said about transitions and the fact you’re considering leaving your son at home with someone, I’m assuming his preference is to stay home. And if you keep trying to coax him to join you, you’ll likely breed resistance, which can damage your relationship. So the important question is, what does he think about it all? Is he happy to stay home with someone? If you find a way that seems to meet everyone’s wishes, try it out, see how it goes. Is he adamant that a parent stay home with him? Maybe for a while you and husband will will take turns going out to do stuff while the other stays home and has a great time with your son. There’s no right or wrong, there’s how it well it works for everyone in your family. And remember, people change—what works well now may change in a few months. Keep an open mind.
I also love that you wrote this: “my main concern for him is finding the line between trusting and waiting, or putting him in situations without asking permission first.”
First off, this likely feels like a concern to you because putting him in situations without his permission seems wrong—and you’re right, if you want to develop a strong and connected relationship with him that won’t work. So let’s look at the other option you see: trusting and waiting.
When a parent and child have differing wants (in this case, you want to do lots of outdoor activities, he wants to pursue his indoor fantasy play), and you consider taking a “trusting and waiting” approach, it’s helpful to ask yourself, what are you trusting will eventually happen? Are you waiting for your child to “come around,” to see things your way? That doesn’t seem right, does it? Crap, now what?
In these situations I don’t see my role as being trusting because, as you clearly described, that implies I’m waiting for things to change. And that’s a rather hands off approach to take. I prefer to think of my role as actively learning. When my child and I hit a disconnect, it’s a strong clue to me that I have more to learn about my child. Instead of trying to wait it out, “trusting” things will turn my way, I dive in deeper and try to discover what life looks like through my child’s eyes. When I’ve done that, when I’ve stretched, I’ve never been disappointed. I have always learned more about my child and myself. And do you know what inevitably happens? I come to understand their choices—no trust required. And now I can wholeheartedly support them in their choices moving forward because I get it. Through this process you are building their trust in you.
For me, the trust comes in when I’ve experienced that pattern enough times that the next time I don’t quite understand the choices my child is making, I’m okay with it. I trust that they have their reasons.
As for the link you see between swimming lessons and ocean/water-based activities, if he wants to, why can’t he participate in the ocean/water activities now, without the lessons? If you love being at the ocean, let him play at the shore, wade with him into the water. If you love being on the water, he can wear a life jacket. If you’d like him to join you in your favourite activities, do all you can to make the experience fun for him. Just remember that what he enjoys about it may be different—help him explore that. Building sand castles? Playing catch or frisbee in shallow water? Searching for shells? Exploring tide pools? How might he and water connect?
And at the end of it all, remember, he’s only six. Life won’t be this way forever—at a minimum, in a few years he’ll be old enough to stay on his own. My eldest loved that! And my other kids weren’t really interested in group activities until they were around ages 8-9. I wonder how it will play out for your family. 🙂
Have fun!
Thank you, Pam. I appreciate the thoughtful reply and ideas, especially your response to the “trusting and waiting.” You’ve given me plenty to consider and work with.
Thank you!
As soon as my children look like they are interested in something I find myself looking for a class or feeling guilty because I am not looking for a class – because they don’t like groups. Cultural conditioning, guilty as charged 🙂
Right?? I know how that feels. 🙂
This was a very timely article, as so many of your articles seem to be. Thank you again! Also, I’m very curious as to what your response will be to CristenH. I’m in a similar boat, so I’m all ears.
Hey Katie! So cool that it was timely. 🙂
I’m in middle of writing a response to Cristen, but it’s longer than this (haha!) so I’m not yet done–and now I’m out the door to take Michael to karate! LOL! I should be able to post it sometime tomorrow. (Thanks for waiting, Cristen!)