When we get past the first impressions of unschooling as “crazy,”often the next stage is seeing it as almost utopian. What a wonderful way of life for our children: diving into what interests them; enthusiastic yeses to their requests as often as feasible; strong and connected family relationships where their voice is heard and fully considered etc.
And it is wonderful! But does it mean their life is perfect? Not by any stretch of the imagination.
As we spend more and more time with unschooling we begin to see it more clearly for what it is: life. Real life, with all its twists and turns and ups and downs. As unschooling parents we do our best to help our children’s lives align as closely as possible to their goals and aspirations, but as they get older it inevitably dawns on us that things aren’t always within our control.
Let’s explore one such question I’ve seen come up pretty regularly in the lives of unschooling kids over the years: finding friends.
It can be challenging to support our children as they explore ways to work through these realities. We don’t like to see our children sad or upset. We wish we could fix it for them, or somehow convince them not to be sad about it, but reality has its own timetable. And looking back, we come to realize that the skills our children learn as we help them explore ways to approach these kinds of situations help them better weather the storm the next time it happens, and the next.
On the topic of finding friends, there are three things I’d encourage you to consider before you dive into conversations with your children.
First, if you find yourself ruminating about your children and the quantity/quality of their friendships, first check that it’s a concern of theirs, not just of yours. Sometimes unschooling kids are happily immersed in their world, maybe with a couple of siblings, maybe with a friend they see irregularly. If the concern is specifically yours, that’s a whole different conversation. For our purposes here, let’s assume it’s the child who is wishing to find more friends.
Next, let’s take a moment to note that this question is unrelated to conventional society’s ongoing concern with socialization and home/unschooling. There’s a big difference between socialization and being social; between “acquiring the social skills appropriate to their social position” (dictionary.com) and hanging out with friends. Unschooling parents are pretty quickly comfortable with the idea that school is not a great place to learn social skills. But might it be a good place to find friends? Maybe.
Yet one thing’s pretty certain: if you mention to a more conventional friend or family member that your child has been wanting to find more friends, in my experience, the most likely suggestion you’re going to get is to send them to school—along with a helping of guilt that you’ve been depriving them of friends up to this point by keeping them home. Heck, that may be where your mind goes first too! And that’s not very surprising—we’ve been well-trained. (This is as good a time as any to remind you that even if you think you “finished” deschooling long ago, I can almost guarantee that as new situations arise over the years you will excavate more pockets of conventional thinking to be examined. Or maybe I’m the only one?)
And that brings us to the third thing to contemplate: Is this really an unschooling question? Or is it a human question?
Think back to your days in school. Did you have a lot of friends? How many close friendships? Did you feel connected to the kids around you? Did you have much time to be social during school hours?
In reality, many school kids are lonely too. If school is “the answer” to the question of finding friends, how can that be? It doesn’t make sense. Our experience—and even the conventional stories told through books and TV shows and movies—tell us that having lots of kids around in no way guarantees solid friendships will develop.
Friendships are about connections, about finding common ground. At school, kids are gathered through shared geography and lumped together in classrooms by age. There’s definitely a concentration of kids! Yet living in the same neighbourhood is a pretty weak connection upon which to build a friendship. Shared interests can definitely be a stronger starting point, yet still maybe a deeper friendship develops, maybe not.
When our children express a wish to find friends we can do our best to help them pursue their desire for more connections. We can brainstorm ideas for finding and making connections (what group activities relate to their interests?). We can support them emotionally by commiserating with them about the mismatch between their reality and their vision surrounding friends. We can support them physically by inviting people into our homes (host a gaming day, a lego party etc) and driving our children places (is it really “too far”?). We can do our best to create an abundance of possibilities, but we can’t control the outcomes.
We can encourage them to be open to other ways connect with people, ways that may not be their first choice, but that may surprise them if they give them a shot, like online communities or conventions. We really can’t predict where or when a connection might spark. We can validate, and yet accept, their disappointment. If we react too deeply, if we take on their sadness as our own, we risk sending the message this disappointment is a bad thing, a failure. No. Life is disappointing sometimes. Shit happens. We can keep going.
We can share our stories. I have a few close friends that I initially connected with through unschooling, while others remain lovely acquaintances. In contrast, the friends I had in school dropped away quickly once we left school: we didn’t have enough connections outside of school to sustain the relationships. That’s all okay—that’s life. My daughter has made friends through girl guides, through volunteering, and through her interest in photography. Some have faded, others have blossomed. My son has a great group of friends right now at his dojo. But over the years one thing we’ve discovered is that the friendships we make aren’t always in sync with our desire for friendship.
Seeing that bigger picture, that ebb and flow over the years, helps us and our children be more patient with, and open to, the complexities of life. Through it all we support our children as they explore the ways in which they enjoy connecting with people, as they play with how much time they want to spend cultivating relationships, both how many relationships they want to nurture and how deeply. It’s an ongoing conversation. It’s living. It’s unschooling.
I recently found this blog and will enjoy reading through the archives.
Thanks for sharing this post in particular… With my 2-year old, who is not unschooled as such, doesn’t go to daycare or preschool. She is also burdened with rather (happily) introverted parents, and so already is seeking out friendships. When we go to stores or errands, it’s “Babies?” (i.e. “Where are the kids?”) Young neighbors are gone to school during the day; most toddlers are in daycare; cousins are too far away. As first time parents we’re biting our nails worrying how not enough “socialization exposure” will screw her up for life, and try to find opportunities wherever possible. Your advice on creating connections is encouraging!
introvert parents? can u do something for that? make it meditative.
I’m glad you found it helpful, Ashley! And even if you guys are happily more introverted than your daughter, you’ll find ways to accommodate both. I found I appreciated stretching myself on occasion as I helped my daughter connect with others. Plus, certainly as they get older, you can support all sorts of social activities without having to participate yourself, like inviting other kids or an older child over to play, or your daughter visiting other families etc. There will be lots of possibilities for her to find the stimulation and interaction she’s looking for without overwhelming you. 🙂
Thanks Pam, I obsess over this a bit while my daughter is fine!
Ashley, do you have a toddler story time at a library near you? At that age I brought my always unschooled girl there to see other toddlers. And bonus, it often was some of the same kids.
Yes thanks for that tip — there are some activities, some limited by nap and work schedules etc. but worth exploring
Pam, this topic is huge in our house right now. My husband and I are utterly stumped, and so worried. Our 9yo boy has three friends that we see once a week (so two to three days he has a friend over, and the rest of the days there is just the family). He is very upset and really wants more friends. He says he would prefer a friend over most days. I have explored having his existing friends come over more often, but their schedules limit that. I have offered my son classes and park days, for the sole purpose of meeting other kids. He adamantly won’t go. I have asked him to go with his 5yo sister and I to museums, the beach, aquarium, kids play spaces, parks, just to get out of the house. He won’t go out at all, not even to lunch or ice cream. He feels very strongly that he wants to stay home. I have offered to bring groups in, to host a co-op, a lego club, minecraft club, whatever. He says he doesn’t like groups and prefers one-on-one play. I have posted to our local online groups, looking for kids with similar interests to come over, and have not met anyone through this avenue. I am willing to try anything at all to help him, but we are stumped as to how to enrich his social life. He is frustrated, we are worried. He spends all day on the computer, playing video games, watching shows, etc. But he runs out of stuff to do eventually, and longs for more contact with kids. He doesn’t want to play with his little sister, and says he longs for a twin brother, who can play with him all the time. I offer to play with him as often as I can, but with a younger one, there is often a pull, and it’s hard to focus. Part of me wonders if this is just how it is, a result of our choice to unschool, but it is so hard to see him so upset. What am I missing?
Hi Sarah, I’m sorry you guys are feeling so stressed. It’s so hard to see our children upset, isn’t it? I don’t think that you’re missing anything specifically, but what if we talk a bit about your approach?
What if you shift your thinking from this being “a problem for you and your husband to solve” to “helping your son explore ways to meet his goals.” Don’t position it as a problem he’s given you to solve, but as a chance for you to work with him as he works his way through it. Take the pressure off everyone to find a “solution”, take the rush out of the equation. Commiserate with him. Ask him what he’d like to try. Include him in finding ways to meet his needs.
Commiserating and validating your son means seeing and truly understanding how the world looks through his eyes right now. Sit there with him for a while without pushing quickly through to problem-solving—it can help him see that you are with him, that it’s okay to feel this way. This isn’t a situation with a “quick solution”. And try not to take on his emotions—you’ll think more clearly without the rush of his upset and your fear. Maybe ask yourself why you’re feeling so much pressure to solve this for him asap. Has this been a similar issue for your or your husband in the past? Might that be ramping up the pressure and worry you’re feeling? What is it that you are worried might happen?
During this time of discomfort he’s exploring whether there’s a disconnect between his wishes and his actions. In that uncomfortable space there is also lots of learning. He’s learning that some wishes and wants can’t be fulfilled immediately. At nine, he’s probably getting his first real taste of the reality that other kids/people have needs and wants and schedules and they won’t always fit neatly with his own. As you say, he’s exploring the give and take of his dislike of groups and ways to find other kids. He’s playing with how much time and effort and compromise he’s willing to put into fulfilling this wish for near constant companionship.
I think it might also be worth noting that even if you could find a great one-on-one friend tomorrow, life wouldn’t be “solved”. Some things would probably feel better for him, and other less fun things will probably come up. That friend is a person, with their own personality and needs and wants and constraints to be worked with. There’s so much learning in living.
I wish you and your family the best as you find ways to move through this time. 🙂
And this week’s blog post is actually going to explore these kinds of situations in more detail. Funny how that happens!
This was such great insight and a wonderful response. Bravo!
So glad you found it helpful, Olivia!
Wow, you wrote this over seven years ago, and it is so so good! I find it very comforting and very good advice. I’ve printed it out to put in my “good advice” folder that guides me through unschooling and life in general. Thank you! You’re wonderful, and I’m glad for your website!
I’m glad it resonated, Brandi! All the best to you on your journey. 🙂