Let’s talk about some things parents can do when they see situations differently than their children. Maybe your child wants to go to a movie unsupervised for the first time and you’re uncomfortable, while they’re insistent. Maybe at your child’s weekly activity you have concerns about the behaviour of another child or parent, yet your child is unconcerned—they just don’t see it the way you do. Where do you go from there?
In my experience, when there seems to be a stalemate of sorts, what’s often missing is the parent’s genuine understanding of the situation from their child’s point-of-view. Sometimes as parents we forget that what we are sharing is our perspective, our interpretation of the situation, not cold, hard facts. And as different people, it’s unreasonable to expect that they will always see things exactly the same way we do. What your child is telling you is their reality. The challenge is that if we are insistent, if we try to push our reality to replace theirs, we can also be pushing away the chance for a deeper understanding of and connection with them. We risk damaging the trust in our relationship.
When I find myself in this predicament, I try to step back and do the work to understand my child’s point-of-view. It helps me see them more deeply, beyond “they just don’t understand.” If I assume they just don’t understand, my path forward is likely to just keep explaining my point-of-view over and over. They’ll get it eventually, right? If you find yourself repeating the same explanations, trying to convince them, that’s a big clue that whatever you’re saying isn’t making sense, it’s not connecting to how they see things. It’s time to change things up.
How? For me, instead of continuing to explain my reality, I try to live their reality for a while. And I explore my discomfort with the situation: I ask myself questions, like “what is it that’s making me feel uncomfortable?” and “why is that?”, following up each answer with more questions as I dig deeper, doing the work to understand my reactions and move past my defensiveness and filters. This helps me to more clearly see my child’s world through their eyes. If they aren’t bothered by things, I try on what it feels like to not be bothered. And vice versa. I’m a detailed yet detached observer for now. What is it that my child anticipates or sees in the goings-on? How are they reacting, or not reacting? Why? Why not? Where does that lead them?
As you continue to observe, keep the communication between you both open and safe. You have made your concerns known—after all, that’s when you realized your differing viewpoints—so your child is aware of them. If a parent makes too big a deal about something (too big as judged by the child), there’s a good chance that if a challenge does arise, the child might choose not to talk to the parent about it because the “I told you so”, whether or not literally spoken out loud, would be too heavy in the air.
Understanding your child’s world more deeply can help you develop trust in them and their actions. And from there you are in a more knowledgeable place from which to help them process and move through what they see. If it’s not something in their world, and when you point it out they see no big need to incorporate your feedback into their day-to-day actions, then maybe they really don’t yet need to react to it. If they can’t see it yet, it’s because it’s not on their radar. You can help them understand their world more deeply by seeing what they see and being open and available when they notice new things and begin to incorporate them into their expanding worldview. Just because they don’t see something now, doesn’t mean they never will.
I wanted to approach the issues of the last post and this one separately because they seem like very different situations: one when your child is sad or upset and you want to help them feel better; and the other when you and your child don’t see eye-to-eye about something. But what I’ve found over the years is that the most supportive way through those situations is the same: work through my fears and filters so I can clearly see the situation from my child’s perspective. So often that’s where real understanding lies.
In fact, any time there is a disconnect between my child and myself, it’s a clue for me to do some work. To learn some more, to think some more; ask myself questions, get to the root of my unease. The disconnect means either I’m missing something—I haven’t yet managed to ask the right questions—or I haven’t been able to explain myself clearly. To be clear, my work isn’t to beat back my fears so I can get to a place of acceptance and blindly follow their choices. It’s to understand my child’s perspective so that I can be there with them, seeing and validating what they see, and from that deeper understanding, bring more useful information to our discussions.
In doing that work, maybe I discover that, though their choices wouldn’t be my path, I understand why it’s their path. I can now see how they got there. That understanding means that I can now be fully supportive, whether that’s moving forward at their pace, or with their activity of choice on their terms.
Maybe I discover the root of what is bothering me and I can now articulate it, meaning I can now ask them the question that will afford me the answer that puts my mind at ease. Or share the insight that connects with my child where they are, helping them better understand my discomfort, and we find a path forward that incorporates my concerns.
Sometimes in the end I discover that it’s “just” about stretching my boundaries, like my child’s first overnight visit, or their first mosh pit, or their first extended trip.
As parents, we can choose to “put our foot down” and expect our children to do what we think is best. As unschooling parents, we can choose to do the work to understand our children’s perspective, their emotions, and their choices. And to understand our own experiences deeply enough that we can share them in a way that is helpful for our children—in a way that makes connections for them and broadens their understanding of themselves and the world.
We can choose to walk with them through their days.
hey there
i have a question about what might you do if your child asks to give school a try? this has been a topic of conversation on and off, in and out of it all for a couple years. usually she wakes up the next day and says, “of course i want to stay home.” now the notion seems to have taken hold. we have really explored the idea fully as a family. my husband and i really enjoy our unschooling family and lifestyle and are very reluctant to give it up. (she too seems to really enjoy her time and thrive in the freedom) we have stepped back and tried to understand her positition and have come to feel a couple things seem quite obvious. 1. if we are true unschoolers she should be able to try school. 2. all of her best friends are in school, hence the curiosity. 3. she feels safe enough and strong enough to voice her desire despite the fact that she knows it is not what we want. i see this as a good sign – she knows what she wants and is not afraid to go for it. i am very curious to hear your thoughts on this because i like/agree with most everything you write about here. please feel free to answer my question publicly or via email. thanks, kim
Hi Kim,
Thanks, and I’m happy to answer here–it’s a great question. 🙂
First, I wouldn’t spend too much time worrying about being “true unschoolers.” Unschooling isn’t a label to strive for, it’s a lifestyle to live. And “true” has a lot of judgment wrapped up in it that just gets in the way. Sure, asking what experienced unschoolers would do in a given situation is useful information, but don’t stop there. The important question to ask yourself is why would experienced unschoolers typically do X in a given situation. In other words, if the question is “should my daughter try school if she wants?”, “yes, because we’re unschoolers” is not a meaningful answer. Go deeper. Keep asking yourself why–both “why would unschoolers let their kids go to school?” and “why does my daughter want to go to school?”.
As you more deeply understand the principles and motivations behind unschoolers’ actions–the unschooling mindset–it will become easier to explore these kinds of questions and find answers that work for your unique family.
That said, yes, it’s understandable she’s curious because her friends are there, and yes, it’s great that she feels comfortable voicing her desires. I remember on and off chats about school with my daughter too. Often at those times we wonder about our unschooling, and that’s a great time to ask ourselves whether we’re providing a solid unschooling environment. It’s good to revisit that question once in a while. Are we supporting their exploration of their interests, are we bringing interesting things to them, is our activity level a good match with their desires etc.
Also in your chats about school you can find out what she’s looking to get from the experience, and see if there are ways outside the school system to get it. For example, if it’s time with her friends she’s missing, can she see them more often now? Spend time actively getting them together, at your home, or out and about at interesting places where they can enjoy themselves. What are her friends sharing about school that makes it seem interesting to her? Can you help meet that interest in other ways?
Another piece to consider is that if she does choose to try school, it’s going to be a different experience for her than most students because she knows she has the option to leave: she’s there by choice. And while she’s there you can support her however she’d like, but you don’t need to buy into the whole system. Meaning you don’t need to force her to do homework, or study for tests, or put any stock in her grades. She can be there for what she gets out of the day-to-day experience. It needn’t become a wedge in your relationship.
Those are the first few things that crossed my mind. I hope there’s something useful in there for you. 🙂
thank you for your reply…exactly in line with our thinking. by no means are we striving for the label of “unschooling”. using the word often feels odd to us just for that reason. “life long learning” or “love of learning” or simply “family life” or any other description often feels more appropriate. i use “unschooling” and “true-unschoolers” here to connect directly about the lifestyle through our mutual understanding of the definition of the concept.
i like what you said about going deeper into our understanding of our unique family mindset. i think this is the kind of advice most families could benefit from. trust yourself and keep exploring. we have done exactly as you suggest by doing our best to meet/create at home the elements of what she thinks she might get in school. honestly, i believe it is a “grass is greener” phenomenom. she has a very active social life here at home with playdates every day of the week with her good friends (who are in school), we consider and go once in awhile to the unschooler and homeschool park days (she often says no), she has homeschool science class at the exploratorium and capoeira once a week (where all of her good friends go too). this schedule/rhythm has been feeling great for all of us, including her.
and yet, her curiosity continues. jason and i both feel this curiosity can be compared with her curiosity to play an instrument. she has tried both the piano and violin. she did both for about 2-3 months and then decided “to take a break”. she started violin again and then took another break. if i were to imagine the future i feel like the same might happen with school.
i really appreciate what you said in your last paragraph – a powerful mindset shifter for me. in my “encouraging” of her to follow her interest, there as been a lot of “are you sure? cuz this is what sucks about school….and if you are gonna do school you are going to have to do it on their terms?! homework, tests, sitting still, listening, etc…” what kinda crazy talk is this? i really appreciate you reminding me that this is about my relationship with my daughter. i do not want to use unconscious semi-manipulative ways to convince her that school is not good for her or lure her away from her curiosity. as she has said more than a few times….”mom, i know how you feel about school.”
another interesting twist that has developed is her trying to convince her little sister to try it with her….hmmmm? the only constant is change.
thank you for your very thoughtful words. i appreciate them all.
I think that analogy with piano and violin is pretty accurate. School is something that she’s curious about, so she’s considering exploring it for herself.
As for her sister, I imagine you’ve asked her how she feels about it. If she’s uncomfortable with her older sister’s school conversations, or feeling pressured etc, you can explain this to your older daughter and ask her not to bring it up.
I love that the rhythm of your days feels great to all of you! I know it can be hard when our kids exploration of the world starts to include, even if only in discussion, things outside our comfort zones. On the bright side, that has been the catalyst for much of my own learning. 🙂
update: another thank you and a reflection of our (albeit short) experience at school. i just posted it on my blog. you are mentioned, i hope this is okay with you. please let me know if it is not. here is the link: http://estuarylife.wordpress.com/2014/04/10/what-happens-when-your-unschooler-asks-to-go-to-school/
Hi Kim, no worries about the mention. And it was so interesting to read about the experience!
Thanks for sharing. 🙂
Thank you for your thought provoking words. Addressing your subject of when we see things differently, I have already learned something from reading your post…{ if you are repeating yourself. so thank you for the opportunity to cease now.} My child acts politely and kindly, but lately he is getting upset if something does not go as he has planned. “I” see things differently because “I” want him to not get upset. [I realize I am substituting my thoughts for his, yet, is it not helpful to guide him to be able to handle adversity] i ask him how it helps him to get upset, he says it does not…i ask him if he can think of other alternatives…and he does…and then it happens again, ie he will get upset if he walks into a table…he will really yell at the table for getting in his way, and then he will stop on his own. is there some more wisdom you can impart ?
Hi Urula,
A couple things jumped out for me when I read your question. First, sure, getting upset doesn’t fix the situation, but it’s understandable to express frustration when things go wrong. Even as adults, we sometimes express our frustration. It’s more of a physical release, yes? You can help him find ways to find other ways to move through frustration that don’t infringe on others around him. It takes time though, to gain that level of presence and control.
Second, by really looking at things through your child’s eyes, you may be able to help him to see potential issues *before* he gets frustrated in the first place. Go deeper than just his expression of upset.
Using your example, what was he doing that he walked into the table? Is it in an awkward place? Maybe move it. Was he engrossed in something and not watching where he was going? Mention that to him, and maybe catch his attention next time you see it happening so he doesn’t have another collision. Or, if you see him obliviously walking around, ask where he’s going and gently touch his shoulders, guiding him safely around obstacles to his destination. You’re showing him, by example, ways he can avoid frustration in the first place.
There will be enough times when frustration is unavoidable, so all you can do to help his day be more pleasant, will also help you. Eventually he’ll take over those things himself, but again, it takes time. 🙂
I know I am getting into this conversation 2 years after it was originally posted, but I wanted to say something. I thought it was kind of strange that a parent would ask a kid how it helps the kid if he gets upset. I don’t think kids can really *help* getting upset about things sometimes. As far as what I’ve read, kids don’t have nearly the control over their emotions that adults have. I loved Pam’s suggestions as to how you can help him prevent getting upset in the first place. But if he does get upset occasionally anyway, judging his negative feelings is not going to help him deal with them. Ask any psychologist or therapist and they’ll tell you that judging ourselves for having negative feelings, no matter what our age, tends to make us feel worse. With emotions, there’s often no way out but through. I thought Pam’s suggestion of helping him move through the frustration (without judging him for feeling it) as he’s feeling it was great.
I know you don’t know who I am and I’ve never posted a message here. I’m just an adult who was the victim of very bad parenting as a child, and I love reading about unschooling because the suggestions about how to parent seem so wonderful and healthy. This is just my 2 cents.
Thanks for sharing your perspective, Carol! 🙂
Ithank you for your time and energy in reaching out to help us. I have taken time to digest what you imparted. also, in an attempt to embrace unschooling fully, i realized that i was using natural rewards and consequences and have stopped. however, this has seemed to exacerbate things. i am listening and looking for chances to avoid situations that would cause upset, though there are much more instances now
[i find myself whining [in my head, thankfully, not aloud] that since i am seeing things through his eyes, that somehow i want him to meet me half way ie in trying to find ways not to get so upset…if he does not get something the first time, he gets upset and wants to stop. we do find alternatives, and he feels happy when we do. i see things differently in that he expresses negativity and “i can’t” so often now. any ideas to replace my reaction, which is repetitively asking him to think about what happened and how i can help him. he says he wants to but does not know how. when we do the postmortem, he says he understands and he wants to stay calm the next time, but alas, to no avail . if you have any further ideas to help me, i would be so grateful. he is so wonderful and our relationship is joyous, but i am concerned that i could be doing damage unless i find a better way, thank you for caring enough to help me do better.
Hi Urula,
Sure, I’m happy to chat more. Maybe we can take this to email? Our replies are likely to be long and very specific to your situation.
I’ll get in touch with you. 🙂