Apotheosis was a new word for me: it’s the highest point in the development of something; the culmination or climax.
The highest point? Let’s take a moment to look around at the path we took to get here. We chose to undertake this unschooling journey and have travelled the road of trials, working to get past the obstacles we found in our path—the bulk of our deschooling. And most recently we’ve done a lot of work to deeply understand ourselves and how we relate to the world around us in terms of:
- judgement—moving beyond judging things as “good” or “bad,” we came to see the value in all experiences in shaping who we are;
- temptation—we accepted the temptation to return to our old lives as part of our nature and, rather than judging ourselves negatively each time it happens, choose to live mindfully; and
- power—extending that awareness to others, we became more comfortable accepting them where they are, no longer feeling the need to wield power to judge or control their journey to validate our own, in turn finding ourselves no longer susceptible to those who try to exert power over us.
These last three stages have been intense! They are a kind of spiritual letting go—of the fear that leads us to judge, of our belief that we know what’s best for others, and of our need to control things beyond our own actions. These are important stages on the unschooling journey because wielding judgement and control interferes with our children’s curiosity and learning, dampens their creativity, and creates disconnection in our relationships.
Having dissolved this conventional filter of opposites—good/bad, right/wrong—now when we look at others (in and out of our family) we see them on their journey, just like us. We feel compassion for them, which soon grows into a feeling of kinship with people in general. Life becomes more peaceful when we are no longer trying to control, but are instead mindfully present.
Having surpassed the delusions of his formerly self-assertive, self-defensive, self-concerned ego, he knows without and within the same repose. (Joseph Campbell, The Hero with a Thousand Faces, p. 140)
Who we are—inside and out—is the same. We no longer feel the need to hide or apologize for our choices, nor flaunt them—just live them.
This is a stage of well-deserved rest.
What does this more peaceful and compassionate family life look like?
It doesn’t mean that all of a sudden our lives are “perfect.” Things go wrong, people are sad and grumpy, we get frustrated. It’s life! For me, it means that I no longer find myself in conflict with my children.
When I’m feeling off about something, there’s no adrenaline rush pushing me to place blame or fix it. Instead, it’s a clue that I’m missing a piece of the puzzle. Maybe it’s more information about the situation or a better understanding of my child’s perspective on it (their goal, their motivation, their understanding of it etc). It doesn’t mean ignoring my discomfort, but learning more to get to the root of it. Our lives are a dance of people sharing their needs and wants and motivations and doing what we can to help each other meet them.
Though sparked by our unschooling journey, this fundamental shift in perspective becomes a part of us, applicable to our whole lives, not just the unschooling bits.
In fact, it’s around this point that we realize that there really are no separate unschooling bits.
Unschooling is living.
Your journey
If you’re inclined to share, I’d love to hear about your journey in the comments! Here are a few questions about the “apotheosis” stage to get you started:
1. Have you experienced moments when you feel at peace with your unschooling choices?
2. Are there moments when unschooling and living seem interchangeable?
3. Do you notice times when you feel a reactionary pull to blame or fix things before you fully understand the situation?
Next stage: The Ultimate Boon: Unschooling with Confidence and Grace
The road so far …
Departure phase of the journey
Call to adventure: We discover unschooling and excitedly imagine the possibilities.
Refusal of the call: The many implications of choosing unschooling hit. Do we commit?
Supernatural aid: Our children guide us on our unschooling journey.
Crossing of the first threshold: Confronting the guardians who claim to protect us.
The belly of the whale: Transitioning to a learning mindset.
Initiation phase of the journey
The road of trials: The heart of deschooling.
The meeting with the goddess: Seeing the value in all experiences.
Woman as the temptress: Accepting our nature.
Atonement with the father: Accepting others where they are.
I find that I’m now at the point where I feel completely at peace with this decision almost all the time. Seeing my children passionately pursuing things that would never even be offered in school makes me so happy. When people used to question me about unschooling, I used to get very defensive (it still happens occasionally). What I find now, though, is that I’ve come to realize that I started off at the same point as the people who don’t understand it. I may have been more receptive to the idea, but we’re all fed the same lines about what education is SUPPOSED to look like. Lately I’ve just been responding that the kids and I love learning together and it isn’t something that needs to be forced. That’s usually enough for them.
As for trying to fix things, that’s definitely something I still need to work on. I’m getting better, and I often catch myself before it happens. I think my reason for automatically wanting to jump in is because it seems easier at the moment than dealing with what could be a messy aftermath. I’m learning, however, that these messy moments are the moments they learn the most from and will influence their future decision-making more than I ever could.
I love all that, Shelly!! 🙂
Sometimes when I’ve overcome a particularly difficult situation with a friend/family member in regards to choosing different, I breathe a little easier…for a few days. However, I always come back to being worried and keep wondering if I will ever get to a point where I’m at peace with unschooling. My 9 1/2YO son, in particular, seems so focused on mindless screen time; and I realize that some video games can lead to bigger and better things, but his choices just seem lacking anything of substance. On a positive note, however, I have seen learning in discussing activities; for example, we were throwing a ball for our dog with a chuck-it and were discussing how you’d have to use more strength and energy with the shorter chuck-it to get the ball to go the same distance than the longer chuck-it: physics!
I unfortunately have a knee-jerk reaction to blaming and will always be fine-tuning that weakness so that I don’t completely ruin my children with that mentality.
I SO wish I could fast-forward 2 years so I could see how much better things will be!
Heather, I just wanted to say that I was right where you are regarding the gaming this time last year. I would constantly fret about what I thought he should be doing, and I was constantly trying to institute gaming limits (which never worked!) Now I’m at the point where I can see how much he’s learning-not just about gaming- but about computers, in general. He far surpasses my knowledge in this area, and that will be extremely useful in our ever-growing technological society. In fact, just a few weeks ago, he found 141 hidden files on my husband’s laptop that were slowing it down that my husband had no idea were there- and and he (my husband) repairs laptops for extra money! So, my point is, be patient because your son may someday surprise you.
Heather, I so hear you on wishing to be able to fast-forward and see! I’ve definitely wished that on occasion. Yet looking back, I’ve come to realize that it’s specifically those struggles along the way that helped me learn the things I needed to get there. Without the struggles, I wouldn’t have the understanding.
I think one thing that might help is realizing that what you see as “mindless” is not mindless to your son. He is choosing it, so he’s getting something out of it. Decide to figure out what that is. It may or may not change your opinion, but it will definitely help you better understand him.
If you’re thinking about video games specifically, I was in that same spot soon after we began unschooling. I wrote about what I learned when I decided to dig into his perspective, in this article: Everything I Need to Know I Learned from Video Games. Maybe that will help give you some idea of things to watch for as you dig into his joy.
The learning you see probably won’t often align with school subjects, but the longer you see it in action, I think you’ll come to see how meaningful and important it is for the unique individuals your children are. 🙂
Have fun!