This post is part of a series delving into “Mainstream Mantras,” peeling back the layers to discover where they go awry.
I imagine most of us heard some version of this growing up. It was a kind of threat—that “something to do” was something your parent was sure you wouldn’t want to do, a household chore like tidying up your room or cleaning the bathroom. The underlying message was received loud and clear: keep yourself busy.
Even now, when a parent sees a child “just” hanging around they’ll often comment, “Nothing to do? I’ll find you something.” The child likely replies, “No, I’m busy,” and goes to their room to find something to do, or to at least appear to be busy (out of sight, out of mind), whatever they were thinking about chased out of their head.
Why is busyness prized?
Our society prizes productivity—something to show for the time we spend awake, no matter our age. Parents have work; children have school. On top of that, parents want their children to succeed in life, and typically success to parents means college. Getting into college means good grades at school and lots of extracurricular activities, to show you are “well-rounded.” Not to mention, parents look uncaring to their friends if they don’t get their kids involved in extra-curricular activities.
Being busy is a badge of honour in our society: if you’re not busy, you’re lazy. Parents share their schedules, trying to one-up each other: “Between hockey practice and games for Bill, and dance classes and girl guides for Robin, the only night we’re home is Sunday. Which we spend helping them with their homework and getting organized for the next week.” To which the reply may well be, “Nice! I wish we had Sunday off!”
This highly scheduled life is what most children live so it probably shouldn’t have been so surprising to me that, as young a teen, the typical response my daughter received when acquaintances found out she didn’t go to school was, “You don’t go to school? What do you do all day? Aren’t you bored?” They were so used to being told what to do they had a hard time imagining anything else.
Have an interest? Take lessons!
Another contributor to the world of busyness is that many parents see organized lessons as the only way to pursue an interest. Their child loves video games? Programming camp! Dances around the house? Dance lessons. Loves to sing along with the radio? Singing lessons. Enjoys kicking the ball around? Soccer league. And so it goes. If a child expresses any interest in something, parents immediately jump to lessons.
Dancing around the house and singing to the radio don’t count as a productive use of time. There’s no teacher around, so what could they be learning? Yet unschooling parents understand that their children are learning a lot through their own exploration. In fact, the learning found by following their own unique path of connections through a topic is often stronger than the learning found by following a generic curriculum path.
So though organized lessons and sports leagues give parents “proof” that their children are learning and busy, they also have a couple of downsides. When a child’s keen interest in something is turned over to formal lessons and competition, the child loses control over the activity. Their excitement may quickly fade as their interest is co-opted by the mundane routine of organization—practices on Wednesday and games on Saturday; work on this piece of music this week. The joy of play is replaced by resistance to practice.
Another downside is that all these organized extra-curricular activities have left children little time for free play. Okay, a lot of parents might call that an upside: “they are safe, being watched over by an adult”; “it keeps them out of trouble.” But there is an incredible amount of learning to be found in free play. Peter Gray is a strong advocate of play which, in his book Free to Learn, he defines as “nature’s way of teaching children how to solve their own problems, control their impulses, modulate their emotions, see from others’ perspectives, negotiate differences, and get along with others as equals.” Unschoolers see that definition in action every day.
That’s not to say organized activities are “bad.” I don’t think they’re very useful for a child when the main goal is to be busy, but they can be a wonderful experience when it’s the child’s choice. Choice is key. If they want to participate, if they are enjoying themselves, that’s great! If they want to quit, that’s okay too. Talk with them. Help them explore not only their interests, but also how those interests fit into their lives. Happily, unschooling families don’t have the time commitments of a school schedule, so they have a lot more time to play around with.
Time to think.
So if the goal is busy, then “not busy” is the adversary. Yet “not busy” is really the only time we get to think, to process, to contemplate. The challenge is that we have nothing to show others for the time investment, no proof of accomplishment. And besides, society imagines, what does a child really have to think about?
A lot.
Newer unschooling parents often do a lot of soul-searching work to be comfortable living without conventional proof of their children’s “accomplishments” to share, and as part of that journey they gain a lot of respect for the process of thinking—for the time that it takes and the space that it needs. Contemplation and introspection are an integral part of the learning process, even though they can’t be measured or tested. It’s how the bigger picture of life comes together. It’s in those times that connections are found between seemingly disparate bits of life, illuminating them both a bit more. It’s how people, children and adults alike, figure out who they are, and who they want to be.
Yet time to think doesn’t necessarily mean sitting still in silence. In my family it’s looked like many afternoons spent on the swing in our yard, or wandering through the forest. It’s looked like the soothing and repetitive nature of a video game, building experience encounter by encounter by encounter, or a marathon of a well-loved TV show. Sometimes it leads to conversations as they share their questions or their insights. Sometimes not. Sometimes its preciously theirs and theirs alone. And that’s okay, it doesn’t need to be measured.
Life needn’t always be about the doing.
The time to think and to wonder and to be is a valuable piece to the puzzle of a life well-lived, at every age.
I LOVE your posts. You always uplift me. It is so nice to find a kindred spirit who gets it and understands. We seem to be so few and far between. Yay for you! You are so appreciated in my heart. Just wanted you to know someone out here always looks forward to and reads your posts. Is encouraged by and grateful for your thoughts.
Thanks so much for sharing that, Dayna! I know just what you mean about finding kindred spirits. It’s a lovely feeling, isn’t it? 🙂
Wow. Thanks so much, Pam, for yet another wonderful and insightful post. This is such a crucial point to be aware of! Even among the most committed of unschooling families I still sometimes see a tendency to enrol in too many classes, make too many commitments, and generally, end up so busy that the unschooling element all but disappears from their lives. It becomes more about managing the schedule than supporting the kids and the family in their journey together.
I’ll definitely be sharing this one on Facebook.
Thanks, Justine! I’m glad to resonated with you. 🙂
yet another read that relates to exactly what i am dealing with – just wrote about this on my blog. love when things come crashing together. however, you took the notion i was getting at and expound much further – a tremendous boon for me. thank you.
I loved reading your blog post, Kim! We see and learn so much when we pay attention. I’m often in awe watching unschooling children in action–and reading about them too. 🙂
Lovely post Pam. Busy is something we have not been for a long time now, besides busy having fun and exploring what we enjoy and what we don’t enjoy..I really feel the whole idea idea of ‘struggle’ ‘keep yourself busy doing meaningful things’..’to achieve something in life one has to struggle’ are old beliefs which need not be true when one starts living truly from one’s spirit…As for the spirit nothing is a struggle and there is no busyness as it is simply exploration of life in all its colors and hues…I really resonate with each word your wrote..Thank you..
Thanks, Dola, I always enjoy hearing from you. I love the image of exploring life in all its colors and hues. 🙂
This morning I was about to throw out a paper that had lots of community events written down on it and a couple of book titles that I hoped to check out and one quote that I ripped off to save. The quote was by Socrates. “Wonder if the beginning of wisdom.” And when I read your words, they resonated with the quote so much! It felt like it was perfect timing! <3
great post. i remember a discussion with a peer, when we were talking about a college student that was so busy she literally scheduled pee breaks throughout her day!!! i just can’t even begin to imagine. but that lead to one of us saying… “one needs time to think long thoughts”…. 😉
Hello Pam,
Thank you for your website and articles. I found you through “The Unschooling Life” podcast. I was listening and learning about boredom. I’ve learned a lot about this since having children and unschooling.
It was “not allowed” in my childhood and not in my mom’s childhood. Pop quiz for my mom or I, at gun point would be predictable.
Interrogator: “Do you ever get/have you ever been bored”
Mom and I would both answer honestly: “No, never, I don’t get bored.”
Since my journey as an unschooler I have looked into boredom and what it is and isn’t. I talked to my mom about this last week, about it being a feeling. An in-between, not sure what to do next, I don’t mean vacuum the floor as a thing to do, feeling. We were both able to admit, then maybe we could both say we had felt boredom at points in our lives. But, we quickly just grab something to do. I jump on Netflix and bliss out – because I love to watch things, for example.
Anyway, that is just a long bit of where I am coming from to ask your thoughts. I was listening to the podcast and it had a general gist of “boredom is not bad/not a sin/normal/desire to figure out what to do next, etc” that I have learned is fine. Grand. I am ok with that. Then they said “but if your child is bored all day every day then it’s time for a major life shift.” Well, crud, that is where I am with my 9 year old. So I don’t know what to do now. Have you written articles on “major boredom” that you could point me to? A search of homeschool/unschool and boredom just brings up the parts about it being a normal part of learning/life and my worry is that I am needing to do something bigger/more.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Hi Lou,
Interesting story about you and your mom and boredom!
As for your son, I get the idea that if a child “is bored all day every day” there’s a good possibility that a pretty significant life shift is on the horizon, but I don’t think that necessarily means there’s anything for you to do, other than continue to support him and be available and receptive.
When I’m feeling worried about something to do with my kids, I take time to really see things from their perspective. To talk with them. Are they uncomfortable or unsatisfied with things? If not, I try figure out why we’re seeing things differently. If they are, I can chat with them about it, acknowledge that sometimes we all feel uncomfortable and uncertain. Talk about things they’d like to try, maybe make some suggestions (being careful not to be manipulative, but to suggest things I truly think they might find helpful or interesting). Ask if they’d like you to bring more things into their life to explore, if they’re feeling stagnant. The key is to follow their lead, you’re supporting them as they learn more about themselves.
And interestingly, I recently wrote a post that touches on these quiet times. Here’s a link if you haven’t seen it yet: http://livingjoyfully.ca/2014/12/seeing-learning-in-the-quiet-moments/
Good luck!