This week, Anna Brown and I talk about our theme in the Living Joyfully Network this month, Validation. Diving deep into validation flows beautifully from last month’s theme of Stories because practicing validation with the people in our lives is about hearing, understanding, and accepting their stories as their truth in the moment. Our connections with our children grow stronger when they feel seen and heard and loved for who they are. Full stop. No ifs, ands, or buts.
And while validation helps our children move through their strong emotions and difficult moments, ALL kinds of moments are great opportunities to show our children that we understand and care about them. Validation is a key ingredient in the connected, respectful, and trusting relationships we see in unschooling families!
Discussion areas
- How sympathy, empathy, and validation weave together in our relationships.
- What validation looks like and the language we might use.
- When big emotions are involved, non-verbal validation can be so helpful.
- Ultimately, the goal of validation is connection.
- All moments with our kids are opportunities for validation!
Links to things mentioned in the episode
Check out and join the Living Joyfully Network here
RSA Animate’s video, Brene Brown on Empathy
Ring Theory, by Susan Silk and Barry Goldman
Transcript
Video
Consider becoming a patron
I deeply appreciate all my patrons! Your generous support helps pay for the hosting and transcription, as well as my time spent creating new episodes each week. It’s instrumental in keeping the growing podcast archive freely available to anyone who’s curious and wants to explore the fascinating world of unschooling. If you’d like to join my community of patrons and scoop up some great rewards along the way, check out the Exploring Unschooling page on Patreon.
Klara Darda says
Hi Pam
I’ve throughly enjoyed this episode , eye opener I would say .
I have a question which is related to the validation and my current situation which is getting out of hand .
My 6,5 yo is very temperamental and sensitive, she throws, punches and hits, I have tried to connect and been unable to stop her from hitting and punching me for an hour . Draining for both.
The question is how to validate when child is violet ? I noticed when she starting to steer and tried both – interfere or not but still it ends up with her hitting me. I feel lost and helpless I try to understand but after an hour I am unable to stay cool .
What is your suggestion in this kind of scenarios? How validate when there’s this physical aggression going on ?
We tried hitting pillows or even turning it into the play and redirect her.
Thanks
Anna Brown says
Hi Klara! (This is Anna)
I love that you are looking to validation because it’s such an amazing tool. I’m thinking with what you are describing there may be some other things to try as well. Patterns! I love looking for patterns, time of day, and food connections, stimulation (too much, too little), etc. The key for me is looking for the need underlying the behavior. Something is going on that is making her feel out of sorts, if we can dig in there and address the underlying need, then the surface behavior (the need to lash out) will disappear or be greatly reduced.
HALT is a great tool as a place to start (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired) So, again, looking for patterns that might give you some hints to what is leading up to the upset. For her to remain at that stage of heightened anger for so long, she’s definitely having to recommit to the thoughts that are upsetting her, so she may very well feel like she isn’t being heard. In that case, validation can help a lot. Something is triggering her upset, acknowledging that and letting her know you understand how frustrating it is and that you want to help her can help her feel heard in the moment.
You might also enjoy Ross Greene’s “The Explosive Child”. It has some tips that many have found really helpful.
Pam Laricchia says
Hey, Klara! I think the helpful thing to remember is that it’s not about validating the physical aggression, it’s about validating the need/feelings that LED to the aggression.
Anna shared some great ideas around sussing out what may be leading to her outbursts. You can be a detective for a while, trying to discover any underlying patterns and playing with how you might meet those needs *before* she tries to express them more physically.
You may find that it’s a collection of little things that have gone sideways for her, building up through the day until she hits the “last straw.” Her fave t-shirt is dirty, her socks feel weird, you’re out of the cereal she wanted, she couldn’t find the toy she was looking for etc. In that case, it’s more about refilling her cup at intervals throughout the day so she has the energy to move through the next small disappointment. And, of course, trying to minimize the disappointments.