Anne Ohman and Anna Brown, both veteran unschooling parents, join me to answer listener questions.
Click here to submit your own question for the Q&A Round Table episodes!
Quote of the Week
“How could youth better learn to live than by at once trying the experiment of living?” ~ Henry David Thoreau
Summary of Listener Questions
1. My daughter is 12 and in year 7 of high school. She is coming along nicely with her work, but is finding it hard to understand the social side of things as she is autistic. On top of this she is being bullied. We have been in school with this, but if it doesn’t stop I’m considering a school change or even home schooling. I am a little apprehensive about this for many reasons, but the main one is what will be best for her. I have a million questions and don’t know who to talk to about it. Has anybody been in a similar situation? Is there any help for me in making sure my daughter receives the education she needs? I don’t want to let her down and she be behind.
2. My concerns are around my daughter (she is 3), she goes straight to the computer when she wakes up and starts surfing ‘youtube’, I can see she enjoys the different types of storytelling she finds but I often wonder if she will be constantly interested in youtube as there is SO many interesting things that get suggested to her. She doesn’t seem to initiate getting off the computer unless she has no choice, i.e I need it for work, which is rare. When she is not on the computer she loves all types of play and spending time outside but she doesn’t initiate any of these activities once she has started on the computer. I offer myself and games I know she enjoys but she rarely takes me up on it. I also sit with her and watch when I can get a chance. So how do I work out if this is a genuine interest, or is she going there by default and getting stuck there, or is this a reaction to my previous views and controlling of screentime? I guess I want to know how I can tell if my environment is engaging enough/offering her enough choices and how other people go about setting up their home environment.
3. Could you address unschooling and depression. In my case, specifically maternal depression, which I try to embrace as it’s likely my kids will have to slog through challenges of being a human living in modern society while also on spinning planet earth, and I believe it is helpful for us to be real with each other, and to acknowledge the work it takes to truly pursue happiness.
However, there are times that my depression is sufficiently debilitating and my unschooling begins to border on neglect, though I fiercely work to prevent this and assure their surTHRIVEal. I am hopeful there are other parents who, with their sage perspective and years of experience, could reflect on this topic, and ideally reassure me that, as usual, everything WILL be alright!
4. My family has been unschooling for 2 years, and we’ve been saying “yes” more and more, whenever we can. Yes to getting messy, yes to staying up, yes to ice cream! So far, it has just been little things (like food or stuffed animals or going to the park) that the girls (5 and 7) have asked for. I love how close I am with my kids when they know that I am on their side and will help them with their goals.
Today my partner asked me: what is a good way to answer the children if they ever ask us to buy them expensive things? As the girls’ world grows I’m sure one day they will. My partner comes from a well-off family, so something a bit more expensive would be within our means. Our family has always lived a pretty simple lifestyle (my spouse and I like it this way), but it doesn’t seem right to keep any part of reality, including our financial situation, a secret from children who are learning about the world.
Knowing my children, they wouldn’t feel good about an explanation like “I’m trying to teach you the meaning of money” or “I don’t want you to grow up to be spoiled” if they ask me for expensive toys. We love the relationship with our girls unschooling has given us, and we want them to know we are there for them! But we want them to grow up grounded about money. What can we say?
5. I am an unschooling mom of three kids. I was inspired by Pam Sorooshian’s discussion of tv and screen time. It is a topic I’m very interested in and have wrestled with a lot. After absorbing the ideas in that episode, I made some changes that have had a very positive effect! Specifically, I’ve joined my kids in what they were watching and started to get into it and excited about it with them, appreciating how it made them laugh or was interesting to them. My children are young: 7, 5, and 3. My question is—how does the “no limits on screen time” idea work with very young children. Did any of you veteran unschoolers do this from birth on, or is there an age when it seemed more appropriate to allow free rein on this particular issue?
6. I am the mother of a daughter, 8 years old. I’m now pregnant with my second, and there’s a chance the baby will be born with Down Syndrome. I am worried sick, and some information may help me. Is it possible to unschool a child with a developmental disability? The information I have been reading recommends lots of therapy, and dietary control since children with Down Syndrome are prone to obesity. After seeing my daughter flourish with unschooling, I’d love to give the same to this future child.
Links to things mentioned in the show
Anne’s essay: I Am What I Am
Pam’s free book: Exploring Unschooling
Pam’s book: Free to Learn: Five Ideas for a Joyful Unschooling Life
Getting started: Unschooling Doesn’t Look Like School at All and What to Do Instead of School, Part 1 and Part 2
Pam’s blog post: Digging into Mainstream Mantras: “Learn to Say No or You’ll Spoil Your Child”
Episode Transcript
Hello! I was one of the people who asked (yet another) “screen time” question in this episode. I appreciate the responses- thank you all. I also appreciate hearing that it is okay to have asked a question that has come up before. I truly do believe that this is not an easy issue for some parents to come to terms with, due to the immense pressure put on parents to keep “screen time” at the absolute minimum.
For many years, I have heard that young children should not be exposed to much screen time. This is a pervasive and powerful message out there and until recently, I accepted it. At every visit to the pediatrician, they ask how much time the kids spend in front of screens. It seems to me that the mainstream message is that “good” parents who want their kids to be healthy will limit screen time. What I am learning, thanks to the knowledge I’ve gleaned from the many wise parents on this podcast, combined with my own experience watching my children, is that kids will engage in a variety of activities throughout the day- even if they are not forced to put down their ipads. (Not to mention that there is an enormous amount of learning that is taking place while playing video games, interacting with apps, watching youtube videos, etc.- And that we never truly know what another person is learning because so much of it is obviously private and not necessarily obvious to someone else.)
At first, my children exhibited a period of not wanting to turn away from screens. I accepted this as a natural reaction to having been limited in the past; I let go of my judgement (of thinking “they should be doing some other activity”) and joined them. I mirrored their delight, made observations (to myself and sometimes out loud, as in “How awesome that that show makes you laugh so much!”), and I shared with them a tower defense game *I* love to play on the ipad and now we play together frequently- which has been a total bonding experience.
Shifting my perspective on this issue has made a big difference in our lives. All three of them will now move between “screens” and other activities quite naturally. This has helped me to put my trust more in them and less in the conventional recommendations on this issue. I’m so grateful that I have been enlightened about this. I truly believed that it was my parental duty to limit the time they spent on screens. The implication seems to be that parents must limit it, or the children will never want to play outside, read books, etc. But it is not true! There really is a self-regulation that begins to emerge, if it is allowed to develop. There is an irony here- kids will actually be less obsessed with “screens” if allowed more time with them; It is the limiting that seems to create this unwillingness to move away from them.
It is a two-pronged shift for me. The desire to limit screen time begins to fade for two reasons: first of all, you learn that they’re not actually as obsessed as you imagined. And second, you come to value and appreciate all that they’re doing on screens. So it’s no longer this nefarious thing out there to be avoided.
I’m amazed that this issue, which is so fraught with tension and parental worry, has been steadily fading away from our lives. I’ve dropped my judgmental attitude and as a result, the power of the fears behind the “limit screen time” message has diminished.
Thanks so much, Pam for all your amazing work on this podcast. You and your guests have helped me (and I’m sure many others) immeasurably. I feel extremely fortunate to be unschooling at this time in history, when I can learn from so many excellent role models who have years of experience and so much insight to share.
Julie, thank you so much for taking the time to share your experience!
It really does seem counter-intuitive at first, doesn’t it? But in the end it makes so much sense. You describe your shift and the big difference it’s made in your lives so beautifully! Thanks again for sharing. And I love that you’re enjoying the podcast! 🙂
I related to a couple of the questions and wanted to suggest the “Unschooling Special Needs” facebook group. There are some great discussions and support there, and it’s a unique space. https://www.facebook.com/groups/UnschoolingSpecialNeeds/?ref=nf_target&fref=nf
I really really loved the responses to the question about saying yes when you really can afford the expensive things. Specifically how she was talking about saying yes to who the child is, which is different than just saying yes to the things. This is such a big shift in thinking for me, and I love it. Could this be an entire podcast topic sometime? I have been exploring this topic quite a bit because it is so outside of the way I was raised and I’ve never heard it explained quite that way! Thank you so much for all that you do to share your wisdom and experience with us!
I did read the blog post that was linked as well! Just always looking for more on this subject because it seems both deep and wide for me.
Hi Beth, so glad that idea resonated with you!
I’m certainly happy to talk more about it in a future podcast. Maybe you could email me with some questions or ways you’d like to see it explored? Or you can submit a related question for the Q&A. 🙂
Thanks!